October 17, 2023
Life with JB
One of the school pickup grandmas was telling me that their grandkid, who has activities scheduled every afternoon and sometimes two, can be found crying over their homework some nights, probably from exhaustion. Usually this kid joshes JB about their incredibly light schedule, telling JB they need to go to more activities. Obviously our circumstances are very different. Their family has four adults, two who do work and two who don’t, in their lives to ferry them to activities. JB has me during the week. I prefer not to have PiC trying to chauffeur when he already has to handle daycare dropoff and pickup. And I work! Sometimes I feel a little twinge that I can’t be in two places at once.
Hearing that recounting made me feel a little better. Not that I’m glad he has those nights! But I feel a tiny bit better about our setting hard limits on JB’s activities. I never want to be committing my elementary school kid to that much. It’s too much. Not to mention the financial cost of private swim, tutoring, martial arts multiple times a week. I don’t want to imagine the time and money that would take.
Life with Smol Acrobat
Smol’s words are still coming in fast and thick. They’ve been struggling with pronouns. One morning they burst on the scene with “I want to hug you, Mommy!”
!!
Their mood swings are also something else right now.
We’ve had days where we couldn’t breathe without setting off a tantrum. It’s exhausting. And then after hours of this, they’re suddenly sunny and mischievous and chuckling. The joke’s on us.
Pupdate
Sera 🐶 was off her feed about two weeks this month. She’s normally a hearty efficient eater, clearing out the bowl in two minutes or less. Out of the blue she started leaving parts of her meal in the bowl. She’d eventually come back for the rest but I’ve been very concerned about whether something is actually wrong with her. I’ve been monitoring her closely, nothing else seems to be the matter except a general sluggishness on and off, but may schedule her for another physical and bloodwork. We just did that in January, but this is weird. It feels like old age set in overnight.
She had impromptu playdates with two puppies on separate occasions this month. One of them she already knew from a very young age but we hadn’t seen her for months, I wasn’t sure Sera 🐶 remembered her. The other one was a new friend that she was figuring out. They both went fairly well considering her prior history with unknown dogs. Her time with the dogsitter and pack of dogs, lots of training with us everyday, and time have all mellowed her out a lot. Age has a lot to do with it too. She’s senior enough now that the young pups are more deferential once she scolds them.
Precious Moments
After I’d made breakfast
Thank you, Mommy! And bacon! I wike bacon again. (Yesterday they did not like bacon, before they even tried any. But then they tried some and liked half of it.) Mommy, you’re yeeving soon? Going to school?
I do not think that phrase means what you think it means
Absolutely no one:
Smol Acrobat: ohhhhh DAS why
Teaching everyone to be accurate with their asks
JB: Can I have kitty?
Smol Acrobat: No.
JB: Can I BORROW kitty?
Smol Acrobat: Yes.
Smol Acrobat monologuing
Mommy daddy get timeout wif Miss Swamp! (Why? we ask) You say no! Wook at dat ting! Dat BEEEEEG ting fwying. (bug flying) Ooh, spiderweb! I scared of spiderweb. Good job, spider.
Running out of ice cream is a very emotional experience.
Smol Acrobat got a firm lesson in table manners and manners in general tonight. They looked at me after polishing off their scoop and asked, politely, can I share your ice cream? I smiled back and said, “oh that was a very good ask, but no. You still have some in your bowl.” Before I could say anything else, they FLIPPED into a full fury screech. Up to 2 months ago, before they could talk clearly, I’ve responded mildly to this reaction but they’ve been verbally communicating with much better clarity lately, so it felt like the time was right. “Oh, well, now the answer has to be no because you’re pitching a tantrum. That’s not ok. This is my ice cream and I’m not ready to share yet. If JB asks me, and I say no, what do you think they say?”
JB played along, “mommy, can I have some of your ice cream?”
Me: “No, sorry, I’m not ready to share.”
JB: “Ok! I’ll just clean my bowl some more!” *goes back to scraping every last molecule of ice cream out of the bowl*
Me: “Now, that was very polite and now I feel like sharing. So JB can have a bite of my ice cream. What if you asked me again and I still said no, should you scream and stomp?”
Smol: “No.”
Me: “Let’s try it.”
Smol: “Mommy, can I share some of your ice cream peeess?”
Me: “No, I’m not ready to share yet. Do you stomp and scream now?”
Smol: “No.”
Me: “What do you say?”
Smol: Say “ok”?
Me: “That’s right! Smol, do you want me to help you scrape your bowl to get all your ice cream out like JB is doing?”
Smol: “Ys. Peess.” (please)
Me: “Good job practicing better manners! Now I feel like sharing, you may have a bite.”
Smol: *Chomp* “Thank you. Daddy! I shared ice cream wif mommy!”
Size matters
Me: Can you get your soap?
Smol: No, I can’t reach it up dere. I have to do DIS. *reaches* I’m too small. Can you get it for me?
September 19, 2023
Life with JB
Living with the ultra-extrovert that is JB has shaken up my approach to social life. On the other hand, it hasn’t made me any BETTER at it. It’s confusing when parents suggest that we should set up a play date for our kids, then fumble or punt the scheduling so thoroughly that it doesn’t end up happening at all. PiC was the one in charge of setting up a playdate with parents in JB’s class last year and honestly it felt like their offer was one of those disingenuous “let’s do lunch sometime” things that are associated with LA stereotypes. (I’ve heard of it but never experienced it in LA.) I ran into the mom this year and she offhandedly offered that she remembered it fell through when she was traveling a lot last year, we should try again! But at this point, it really feels like the ball should be in their court after they’ve cancelled twice.
I worried our longtime friends might feel that way, I was due to meet their new puppy in January but have been sick on and off all year so much that I haven’t been up to setting up a meetup. Thankfully I finally got a treatment, they read my mind about finally getting together, and we visited on Labor Day weekend.
Their extrovertism did make me really proud, though. A young kid we didn’t know at the daycare center was asking PiC about JB’s whereabouts. It turned out they were asking because the kid is very shy. JB was the first kid at camp to walk right up to them, introduce themselves, and invite them to play. Several weeks later, that kid is still thinking of them. That was lovely. We told them we were proud of them for including other kids.
Life with Smol Acrobat
Smol Acrobat has started narrating their actions. I can reach bowl! I take one. I eat blackberry. Big one!
This won’t be cute in several years but it is right now when it’s a wonder that they’re finally saying real words and sentences.
Pupdate
Drat. I added sardines to Sera 🐶’s diet, along with some rawhide chews as a treat and one or both have retriggered her Gas Attacks.
Precious Moments
Smol Acrobat squeals.
What’s up?
Smol Acrobat mimes sniffing. “Sera niff me!”
She sniffed you?
YAH.
That’s how dogs check in. She’s asking if you’re ok.
No! Not ok!
Oh? Why not?
Be-tuz. Be-tuuuuuz…hmm. Be-tuzzzz.. hmm. Be-tuuuuzzzz… hmmm. She niff me!
You’re not ok because she sniffed you to see if you were ok??
YAH.
That seems… circular.
*****
Smol Acrobat got a sand timer for saying: “p’ay a widdle bit. timer go off, das it!”
It ran out and of course they didn’t notice so I pointed out there was no more sand in the top. Timer’s up.
They look at it closely. “Yeah. No sand.” Turns it over. “Dere! Sand!”
🤦🏻♀️😅
*****
Smol Acrobat, please put those away.
Ohhhhhhh DAS WHY.
What?
Daaaaas whyyyyy.
…. what?
*****
JB thanked me for always being there for them (internally: I dunno, not sure I am or that I deserve thanks for what I do manage. Then I had a quick mental spiral into why they feel the need to thank me for that because they barely remember to thank PiC for taking them on all kinds of fun adventures) and I managed to pull myself out of my head long enough to reply: “You’re welcome. You’re my baby.”
They quickly come back: “But also Smol Acrobat!”
Well yes. Them too.
August 15, 2023
Life with JB
The return to school period is still shiny and happy for JB and I’m glad. I don’t know how long they’ll continue to enjoy this sort of thing but I’m glad they still do. Back to school was always a fraught thing for me.
This year I found myself awfully uncertain about the right thing to do about JB’s bully. I used bully a little loosely (uncertainly) because their actions were mostly microaggressions. Thanks to a dear friend, I could see how they might lay a foundation for more aggressive bullying in the future if left unchecked. It’s weird for me to be the parent in this sort of situation. During my own school years, I was entirely on my own so I dealt with bullies with my own hands. Literally. One bully tried me at every school. My disproportionate response set me up for the rest of the time in that school to be left alone because no one was willing to risk getting punched for the sake of running their mouths where I could hear them. That was me as a student. I’m much less certain about what response is right as a parent. In the end, I’m glad that we have this history documented. If the kid doesn’t lay off, we have a paper trail in place. Hopefully they back off from here on out. They’re still young and there’s still time for them to grow up.
Life with Smol Acrobat
Very little makes me feel like a more inept parent than trading caretaking shifts in the Toddler Arena with PiC and spending half the time talking Smol Acrobat down from one tantrum after another. It’s so frustrating. They were fine for the first 5 hours of the day (which included a nap) with him, why is it Meltdown City during my 3 hours? Sigh.
~~~~~
In a two week period, their language has burst through in a tidal wave. They have pronouns not just their name, possessive words, past tense, declarative statements… It’s like a logjam became unstuck.
Banana. (They’ve never once tried to say this correctly, they just made up an entirely different word to represent it.)
I need this! (refusing to give me something back that they didn’t need)
Mommy said yes. (I did not!)
That’s my toy. (Yes it is)
I breaked it. (Yes, you did)
I need different book. How ’bout dis one? (What?)
~~~~~
They haven’t figured out “you” yet, though. This makes their instructions confusing.
This you can understand quickly: Patting my arm, “I’m mommy.” Patting their chest, “I’m Smol Acrobat.”
This is less clear: I do it!
Ok, you do it.
No! I do it!
…. That’s what I said …
No! Mommy! I do it!!
Mommy do it?
No! … Yes.
Pupdate
Sera’s been on probiotics for a couple months. I was a little skeptical (but hopeful) that it would work for her gas. However, our incidences of being gassed with doggy emanations has dramatically decreased. This is great! Especially since she’s starting to spend more time in the bedroom and office with me which I absolutely love. She’s always been welcome but chose to stick to her bed mostly, unless she was following Seamus around. Now she’s choosing to be closer and I love it.
Precious Moments
Sera 🐶 walking slowly by the dining table.
Smol Acrobat: SE-WA! NO!
PiC: what’s Sera 🐶 doing?
Smol Acrobat: Wunning!
Everyone: no, she wasn’t!
JB: can we have burrito night?
PiC: I don’t think we have any ingredients for it….
JB: we have tortillas, and …and …
SA: ham! Cheese! Eggs! Apple!
July 25, 2023
Life with JB
JB’s been fuming about unfairness in the world. The kids who don’t follow the rules at school are infuriating. The kids who are jerks are infuriating. The landlords who don’t clean appliances for their new renters are infuriating.They’re formulating their sense of the world and while they themselves are not in fact a super conscientious rule follower, they’re keenly alert to other people breaking the rules.It feels like a tough needle to thread. I get very upset about unfairness in the world and sometimes it turns me into a very grumpy person.
This made me laugh. If you’ve been reading these since JB was born, you understand. We try our darnedest to gentle parent even though JB just pushes every button we have and some we didn’t know we had. We don’t always succeed.
Life with Smol Acrobat
Smol’s got a few chores of their own now: clearing the table after dinner, restocking the toilet paper in the bathrooms, and helping JB put away some laundry now and again. The last one isn’t assigned by us, that one is because JB tricks them into thinking it’s a game to get some help.
I’m on the fence about how I feel about that, comes of having a Loki-type brother who would Tom Sawyer me into doing his dirty work. But since Smol will also have to learn to do and put away laundry when they’re older, I come down on the side of allowing it.
I’m surprised it’s taken them this long to realize they can slip both hands into the new toilet paper rolls and go to Punching Town like a tiny Mega Man though. I think JB figured that one out almost immediately. They’re getting quite good at stacking the toilet paper rolls very high without toppling over.
Well, when you put it that way…
Pupdate
Sera has been noticeably more clingy since December, and even more so when the kids are home. Their volume makes her nervous and she wants to hide behind my legs a lot. She’s not scared of them, though. She’s happy otherwise, and not anxious generally. I’m guessing she doesn’t like not knowing if the yelling is happy or upset. I remind her I can’t tell either, until I clearly hear crying, but that doesn’t reassure her.She and Smol Acrobat reached a small milestone. They ordered her into the garage when we were all getting ready to go out. She understood the command and obeyed! Seamus would never have deigned to obey any commands that toddler JB issued, but when they spoke clearly enough, Sera would.
Precious Moments
JB: this kid at school hates cocomelon. And when I said I like to watch it with my little Smol Acrobat, he said WHAT?? I HATE COCOMELON!!
Me: huh. What’d you say?
JB: I said no one’s making you watch it. I like it so I watch it with my family. It’s not hurting you.
June 20, 2023
Life with JB
Ironically, I was just talking to my therapist and PiC about this sort of thing: as someone who grew up poor, how do you feel about your daughter’s attitude towards money?
He grew up in a financially stable household. I didn’t. I consequently spend a hell of a lot more time talking to JB about money than he does: how we have to work for our money, how we prioritize saving above all because we always want to make sure that if something happens to our ability to earn, we will have savings to draw on.
I give them a very modest allowance and require them to save a portion of it at all times, while letting them start to make decisions (and mistakes, though that gives me heartburn) with their money. I tell them that we expect that they’ll make mistakes as they grow up, that they’ll be better served making small mistakes now where they can learn about how their behavior shapes their spending and learn to adapt systems that will work for them and their habits, instead of against them. My anxiety is of course heightened by the fact that they are most definitely a spender personality. That was my brother. I hoarded my money from the first time I held and saved my own red envelope money, whereas my brother could always find another reason to spend. I’m still years away from seeing how my attempts at teaching JB to be wise with their money and generous to others will work out.
I don’t want them to have financial anxiety and YET I want them to have the skills that the anxiety taught me. I’m really not sure how to do that.
I think it’s interesting that Scalzi mentioned being open with Athena about their income and spending choices. I’m open with JB about our spending priorities but not about our income yet.
Life with Smol Acrobat
Smol Acrobat is getting to the age where we teach them about caring when they hurt someone. They’re deeply concerned when someone has already sustained an injury and will check on it daily for weeks. Months, even. But recently they accidentally hit me in the eye. My “ouch!” and reminding them gently to check in and ask “are you ok?” caused them to freeze up completely. No apologies at this age since we were told ages ago they aren’t developmentally ready to do that. That startled me, I didn’t think that would cause stress for them.
I’ve seen something similar in Demon Cousin. That kid blames the other person for getting hurt and has a screaming meltdown when asked to check on the injured party. I’m not saying Smol is going down that road, but I immediately saw the parallel and we practiced the line “are you ok?” many times with all kinds of different scenarios to take the tension out of saying it. They’re already good at “scuse me”, they do that at daycare a lot, apparently. We’d taught them to say excuse me when trying to get past someone (mostly Sera who doesn’t understand anyway but it’s a hell of a lot better than letting them yell at and smack her to get her to move). After an extended practice session that night, they relaxed and willingly used it to check in the next day.
They’re wielding many new words inexpertly this month: booboo, getting better. Healing! Sun waking up. Mommy, WAKING UP! (said while patting my face when I try to sneak in a nap during a reading session) Retty niaow! (Ready now). Pout pout fish, pout pout face. (said while squishing my face between their hands)
Pronunciation and enunciation are an ongoing struggle. Ta-do has finally morphed into towel. We’re working on strawberry. We need to get through this on our own because I will cry if we have to spend $500/month on speech therapy.
Pupdate
I’ve tried to invite Sera 🐶 to be my office buddy many times, even bringing a bed in for her, but she’s always refused. I don’t force her, if she leaves she leaves. But it’s sad. I’m used to having a dog very nearby. Seamus used to lay with his head on my lap when I sat on the living room floor with him to work. I miss that.
JB carried an armload of costumes into the office and left them for me to deal with. Before I could, Sera 🐶 staked them out as her nest. She’ll come and sleep in the office as long as she can sleep on the nest of JB’s clothes. It makes no sense.
Precious Moments
Smol Acrobat is currently obsessed with owies. JB’s owies, dad’s owies, relitigating the time they took an owie from that door six months ago, see? See here on this foot? Door! They need to check everyone’s owies to confirm they’re getting better.
They demanded to see my owies, rolling up my pant leg.
Oh, I don’t have an owie there.
“See! Owie!!” Prods my leg.
Oh. I guess they’ve heard me aching around the house. “You can’t, kiddo, my owies are in the bone.”
“See bone! See bone!!!”
May 16, 2023
Life with JB
JB and I had a serious talk about red envelope etiquette. You never open them in front of the giver, you never ever count the money inside in front of them! They’re so accustomed to Western gift giving traditions where you open gifts you were given in front of the giver (I also hate this tradition) that they recently did both in front of a person who is far too permissive. I was horrified. I’ve spoken to them in the past about the rule. They clearly had not absorbed the lesson. It didn’t help that said person pooh-poohed the error and then tried to naysay me when I corrected JB. Oh, hell no. My kid, my rules. This dismissive nonsense is Not Happening. (I’m proud/glad/relieved that this difficult person in this particular encounter didn’t affect my blood pressure as usual. Thanks, meds, therapy, friends with helpful coping strategies!)
This isn’t an idle worry. I’ve seen Permissive Person with their other child-relatives. Those kids are unbearable. They ignore people speaking to them, pout when they don’t get everything they asked for, pitch tantrums in response to everything that isn’t precisely and exactly what they want. As far as I’m aware (and there are Special Ed specialists in the family who would have identified it if this were the case), this isn’t an issue of being neurodivergent and overstimulated. They’re just bratty and worse for not having any boundaries enforced. Anyway. Cautionary tale as far as I’m concerned. Permissive Person’s influence has to be counteracted at all times. (more…)
April 11, 2023
Life with JB
Fancy birthday parties are back. JB recently attended a birthday party at a place that charges $500/2 hours for the venue and services. Parents provide the food.
PiC texted me notes and pictures from the party. I’m estimating the party ran about $800. It was for two siblings, so in a rare turn, they saved a bit since this spread would have cost the same whether it was for one or two kids. The siblings have enough overlap between their friend groups for it to work. I have niblings where the siblings are 2 days and 6 years apart so there’s no overlap and the parents have to do two separate events in the same week.
It’s not like we were super frugal for JB’s birthday, I just opted out of having to host 18 kids for the price. We spent $300 on delicious Mediterranean food because we were mostly feeding adults and I wanted enough leftovers to send food home with our guests. Food is love.
Ain’t nothing but the truth (in my life) ⬇️
JB’s current exercise of their independence is insisting that they bathe Smol most nights. Not at all sure why this particular thing struck them as The Thing To Do but whatever. We let them do showers mostly supervised, no standing water for anyone to drown in, and Smol seems to enjoy the sibling time as much as JB enjoys being in charge in a tangible way.
Life with Smol Acrobat
Like JB’s early years, we haven’t done anything beyond some cake for Smol Acrobat’s birthdays so far and I don’t imagine we intend to change that for a while. JB’s first party was age 4. Then the pandemic happened so even if we were willing to do a 6th birthday, it couldn’t happen.
I’m curious to see how Smol feels about parties if and when they start for them. If I remember correctly, the kids start having hosted parties around age 3 in daycare and they’re “invite the whole classroom” affairs. It’ll be interesting to see how this changes (or not) in these days of COVID.
JB was an enthusiastic participant in parties at this age but they were also always making friends anywhere and everywhere they went. Smol has just started making friends but they seem to really be enjoying the small pack they run in at daycare. It’s funny seeing them with humans their age and size, I’m too accustomed to them being the tiny odd one out.
~~~~~
This describes my life with JB and Smol Acrobat not sleeping pretty damn well.
~~~~~
Smol is now very into taking their COVID tests. They ask for a rapid test every time they see a box out. Since they are the most exposed at daycare, I always oblige the request even if it’s not at the most convenient time.
Pupdate
Sera has been so gassy these past few months. I forgot to ask the vet about this at her check-up.
She remains exceptionally clingy when the kids are loud. I think she’s really nervous about not being able to tell if they’re playing or in pain or in danger. Their shrieks really do sound the same, no matter the cause.
I suspect she’s also conflicted. Her reaction to JB yelling is to hide with me. Her reaction to Smol yelling or crying is to check on them. When they’re both yelling, she has no idea what to do.
Precious Moments
JB: Smol!! Swim lesson! Put it back!
Smol: ??
JB, deepens voice: PUT IT BACK.
Smol *chirps*: Back?
JB: GOoooooooo!
~~~~~
Smol is being screechily uncooperative in the cleaning up so JB is retaliating by singing “Smol is a baby and will be a baby foreverrrrrr Smol graduated from baby school but they’ll always be a BABYYYYYY….!”
~~~~~
There was a joke in All American where Spencer tells his mom they’re going to celebrate her and she needs to be ok with or else he and Dylan will “mom” her to death. Then they start: Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom.
1. I very much relate to that.
2. Smol is doing it to JB now!
Smol: JJ!
JB: What?
Smol: JJ!
JB: What?
Smol: JJ!
JB: What?
Smol: JJ!
JB: What??? I’m RIGHT HERE??
Smol: JJ!
Muahahahahah. That’s right. Annoy each other for a change.
~~~~~
JB: What do you like?
Smol: Eat!
JB: You like to eat?
Smol: Yah.
JB: What else?
Smol: Bood!
JB: Food?
Smol: YAH.
JB: That’s the same thing!
Smol: …….
~~~~~
Smol, rearranging books in the shelf and having them fall over: space!! Space!!
Sorry kiddo, I don’t think you can order books to give you space. I mean, you can TRY but uh…