December 3, 2021
1. Korean food has been a real revelation to me in adulthood. Ban chan, not to be confused with Bon Chon (the Korean fried chicken which is also great), soondobu / tofu soup, jap chae, bulgogi, bibimbap, it’s all so good.
2. I’ve been annoyed with my mouse for AGES and I finally replaced it. A mouse that responds at the speed I want it to! AMAZING!
Challenges this week: Work has been extra overwhelming and it’s taken extra efforts to take steps back to recalibrate, and not to work until midnight each night.
Grieving our losses from this year has been creeping in at odd times, striking me when I don’t expect it, and sometimes it’s crippling. It passes but it’s going to take some time to really absorb all the losses.
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November 26, 2021
1. With some trustworthy help with the kids, I feel the hardened shell of my soul softening some and swelling with a trickle of much missed patience for JB. I hate that I’ve been so closed off but under this much constant duress it’s been impossible to unclench my emotional grip.
It’s not going to last, this is a very temporary help, but I’m observing and taking some heart that maybe the frozen feeling of despair we’d been existing in can and will pass when we have more balance in our lives, when we aren’t holding on for dear life or fighting back to back just to survive.
Challenges this week: suffering from the lesser plague. Not happy about this.
Direct aid needs:
1) The GoFundMe has been set up for a friend of friend escaping a DV situation.
2) I had intended to be done with all our Lakota Giving for this year two weeks ago but we had a huge outpouring of donations and I’d been steadily working through fulfilling needs for families. Last night I took a last look at the list and ran across an individual whose situation really wrung me out. This young man, at the age of 30, is a paraplegic with limited use of his hands. He lives alone and it sounds like he lacks any mobility aids as he lives mostly in the dark, being unable to reach the wall switch. I’m inquiring into what he has and what he needs. I strongly empathized because my chronic pain threatened to leave me alone and immobile at a very young age but even if you didn’t have that experience, I’d think that would sound like a miserable way to live. JB sure thought so. I very much hope we can help set him up with sufficient aids to function reasonably well. Ideally I would love to be able to outfit him with a wheelchair if he could use one. If you’re able to pitch in, a gift (since donations and payments are charged fees) to admin@agaishanlife.com through PayPal would be going to a really good cause.
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November 19, 2021
1. I was able to send PiC out to do outdoor stuff with his friends for a second weekend in a row and that felt really good. I was happy for him and happy that I physically was capable of managing both kids alone while he was gone. My fatigue before now had been too overwhelming, even if it was across one of Smol’s naps.
Challenges this week: A friend asked me to help them as they help a friend and her two babies escape their abuser. It’s been a huge challenge to find any resources that will help her. I think she’s going to need some direct aid. She can be helped through Venmo: mikansuki (last 4 digits of phone: 7803), or Zelle: mikanorangesuki@gmail.com. I don’t think there’s a better use for money than helping babies get to safety, is there?
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November 12, 2021
1. What I can do in under 2 hours while Smol naps (weekend edition): make breakfast for JB and me, eat, clear up dishes and mix up 18 ounces of formula and separate into bottles for Smol, direct and QC JB’s chores, do a handful of the W2 work, update my spending spreadsheet, update the Lakota Giving spreadsheet, sew more practice seams and remember that what I was doing wrong was a deliberate choice from a while back.
2. The other weekend version of what I can during during an almost 2 hour Smol nap: collapse on the bed and stay curled up for 2 hours, reading. I might doze if the tired is too much though I try not to because I don’t want to make my insomnia worse.
Challenges this week: I keep forgetting words. Words I’ve known for ages and still can’t surface in my brain. What’s this soft fabric that looks like mesh? What’s the well known weird puzzley art with all the twists and turns?
Scheduling feels like pushing a boulder uphill. There’s always some consequence to setting an appointment for such and such a day or more appointments than I can handle in a week. I don’t ever want more than one appointment per week because of the disruption to my work hours but as the end of the year approaches, it gets harder to fit everything in.
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November 5, 2021
1. I pulled out and donated a pile of perfectly good linens we haven’t used in years, freeing up a storage bin for my nearly acquired fabrics and space in the closet for toilet paper. Win win win!
2. I made an anxiebees tote to go with my anxiebees shirts (standard, women’s v-neck). My bees are cute!
Challenges this week: Tough week at work, tough week at home. They happen to be in the same place physically and I can’t tell if that’s better or worse.
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October 29, 2021
1. Sewing machine adventures: Last weekend I wound two bobbins and was very pleased with myself but I think I need to wind about 20 more to be sure I remember how to do it each time without having to relearn every time. I spent this interim period buying too much fabric on clearance at $3/yard. I got carried away, I can admit mistakes were made. However. One part of the order was a huge length of very cute anti pill fleece. I washed it, did a bit of Googling to confirm, and whacked away at it with my scissors for a while to produce a no sew blanket for JB to tie up. By the end of the day, they’d made a blanket for Smol!
2. I definitely overdid it physically on chores that have been piling up for ages: ran a load of laundry, washed our counter, cleared away all the mailers and papers that could be recycled from the kitchen, dining room, entry, and office. We took a very long walk together, I prepped a project for JB, and put up another stack of clean laundry in the donation box. Parca is coming by next week for a pick up and I’m trying to clear out as much reusable stuff as I can before they do. It’s not the same as rest that refreshes (something I haven’t gotten in over a decade) but a long session with the Hypervolt got me on the right path.
3. I defrosted and marinated another round of beef stew meat for a second batch of beef stew to put up and share with friends. I wanted to make a double batch but we didn’t have time or energy to go buy more ingredients so I’m doing what I can with what I have.
Direct aid: Tami’s chronicle of her money challenge reminds me of so many years I spent working my butt off to make ends meet. I’d posted her ABLE account before but I heard that it wasn’t a viable option for some so I’m sharing her Venmo and PayPal.
Challenges this week: I’ve been frustrated by my neverending fatigue. This isn’t just about being a new mom again with a small baby, it’s the same fatigue I felt even before my first pregnancy. Many years ago, a friend described their pregnancy fatigue as the most tired they’d ever been in their life and beyond anything they could have imagined. That’s the level of tired I feel every day and have felt for more than ten years. I always push through but I’m so tired of being tired.
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October 22, 2021
1. We got all the flu shots! We took a combination of all the ideas for JB: had them go first to “show Smol it’ll be ok”, they brought a comfort toy, and I intended to put on a song on my phone for a distraction. The song didn’t work as planned, but it worked out in the end. They started panicking a bit at the moment the needle came out but I showed them the phone screen with the video loading and the shot was done before it loaded fully. They then served as distraction for Smol and they were super proud of themselves that neither of them screamed. Just a few small tears but it was all in all not traumatic or eardrum bursting like in every other session. Yay!
2. I am very very slowly learning my way around my sewing machine so that I can teach the kids basic sewing someday. I managed to wind two bobbins today and cut out a pattern for a project I’d like to do by the end of the year. There’s something really satisfying about doing a little bit of a craft, making a bit of something instead of solely consuming. Crafting is still consuming but that’s just a part of it.
3. A reader let me know that something I wrote helped them, and that was incredibly heartwarming. I can hope that what I share helps people but I never know unless they tell me. I’m grateful it was helpful to them and I’m grateful they shared with me.
4. I tackled the many boxes of kids’ clothes that have been in a state of disarray as I searched out bigger clothes for Smol from their hand me down boxes and organized JB’s outgrown clothes into more boxes for sharing with friends and family depending on the size and kid. I put away five organized boxes, have 2 organized boxes for donation, have two more boxes to go through or just set aside, and refreshed JB’s clothing with the next size up. It feels really good to have that squared away.
5. I planted (used one gloved hand to dig around random parts of soil in our container, and dropped them in) a few sprouting potatoes and sweet potatoes. Will they grow? I don’t know! Let’s find out!
6. I showed off my cricket capture and release skills. Nice to know I can still impress PiC after 15 or so years. I assume he was impressed, anyway.
7. Medium batch cooking! I made a big pot of coconut lime chicken curry and put away 2 medium containers to freeze for later. We had the remainder for dinner. If I can make 3 meals like this on weekends, it would help resolve our dinner dilemmas at least. But one was a nice start.
Challenges this week: Brain therapy was rough. Quite a few revelations about the feelings I’ve repressed along with overwhelming feelings of grief for all our losses this year.
Every joint in my body is upset this week. I assume it’s because of the storm front that’s moved in or moving in. It hurts hurts hurts.
I’m working through a tough period at work. I hate this aspect of my job. It’s necessary and it’s necessary to do the best job I can and that turns on a lot of pressure valves that I don’t like. I’m doing my best to remind myself that no matter how I feel about it, this is just work and it’ll be fine or it won’t be and we’ll work through that too. It’s not the end of the world. It’s just my anxiety that makes me feel that it is.
I tweeted this grumpily the other day but in some ways it should be comforting:
I did the best I could / and it wasn’t good enough. / But it has to be good enough /because it was the best I could do.
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