March 12, 2009
Under what circumstances would you feel comfortable accepting monetary assistance?
I was recently asked, why, if the benefactor was willing and able, can I not accept help? That question meant monetary help, and that’s a critical difference from all other kinds of help, so that’s the part we’re going to address today.
During a conversation about the economy, the state of my career, and rather justifiable (in my mind) anxiety that I might be flat broke 12 months from the date I’m laid off, this rather potent question was asked. And I floundered in answering.
Because I can’t stand the taste of humble pie? Because I’ve not asked for money since I was 17? Because if I can’t stand on my own, I would still like to have my pride? In this last reason, I’m staunchly my father’s daughter, even despite the grief that’s brought me in his practice of it.
The truth is, it’s all of that and more. It’s that I would only think of myself as “needing help” if I were in truly dire straits. If I couldn’t afford the rent, the bills, the groceries. I wasn’t brought up specifically with this particular insane independent streak, but I’ve developed the mindset that it’s simply unfathomable to think that I would ask for money if I weren’t at the end of my resources. Arriving at that point, however, means that there’s a whole world of guilt and uncertainty involved. I wouldn’t need small sums of money, it’s not just spotting me a tenner for lunch. It’s rent, it’s gas, it’s insurance, it’s big money.
In my personal experience with money and people, you cannot rely on others for your basic needs: you stand or die alone. That’s not true for everyone, though, and I realize that from the outside, it looks like arrogance. (At least one friend has interpreted it that way.) After all, I always step up and help others to the best of my abilities. It may not take the form of cash but it’s still help. How then, do I lack such faith in good people and insist on such isolationist responsibility?
I’m casting about for a better understanding of the mentality that allows me to be liberal in my giving, and highly conservative in my getting. Does this attitude need adjusting? If so, how do I remain true to my bootstrapping principles, while recognizing when it’s appropriate to accept assistance? Or is the second fear, that it’s a slippery slope from asking for help when needed to asking for help all the time, justified?
*Note: One rather astute friend pointed out another way to look at it: if asking for and accepting help is so foreign or unfathomable, then I can trust that I will do everything in my power to prevent that situation from developing. At least there’s that.
**Another Note: Perhaps I’m uncomfortable with having to be on the receiving end of this conversation.
March 11, 2009
Just because the act of writing supposedly helps commit things to memory, or at least to the internet server for later access, let’s make this official:
Life would be easier if I owned a nice little can opener. Not that using the grungy, rust-caked, creaky can opener in our “kitchen” at work will kill me outright, but if a slow death-by-food-and-other poisoning can be avoided with a cute gadget, I’m all for it. And if it can’t be cute, then clean, functional, and RA- friendly are acceptable attributes.
Life would include a heck of a lot more mac ‘n’ cheese, and by default be better, if I owned a cheese grater. It’s just so hard to decide between graters, slicers, grater/slicer, 6 in one graters, etc. They all seem like a good idea. A fine, cheese-enabling idea.
**I’m getting forgetful in my current state of mind: it’s been almost a week and I still haven’t submitted a new FSA claim form for the latest batch of sickie supplies.
March 3, 2009
In the last hour, I’ve:
~ organized my schedule for the week, and pulled together some information for my conference call
~ called aunt/uncle to update and clarify baby shower plans
~ called friend to wish her Happy Birthday, clarified baby shower plans
~ emailed friend to ask her about hunting down her brother, also baby shower related
~ emailed co-conspirator about baby advice book for, yep, baby shower
~ spoke to expectant grandparents about baby shower and baby book
~ locked myself out of my timekeeping system
~ called for help with timekeeping system, no luck
~ called WAMU Investments for my final balance: 778.49 Eeesh.
~ ordered flowers for grieving friend. She just lost her father last week, and her husband was diagnosed with kidney cancer in the same week. There has to be something more I can do for her.
There are still a million things to be done:
~ shopping for the baby shower
~ setting up the templates for the baby advice/photobook
~ collecting everyone’s parenting advice (if anyone has anything to share with a very nervous, expectant mother, I would love to include it!)
~ shopping for the mommy-to-be so she has something that’s for just her, and not All About Baby (I’m thinking of a Sephora gift card, but that’s about all I can come up with unless I can locate a spa near here. Thoughts, anyone?)
~ my educational project needs to be researched and worked on
~ have a meeting with my new tutor one evening this week
~ a class to attend tomorrow, so almost all my work for tomorrow has to be completed today
February 25, 2009
This morning, a group of parents were sitting behind me, and I could hear every word they said.
Dad 1: Boys are easier. But it’s like they’re brain damaged, the things they expect you to believe. I came home last night and my wife sends me to his room which means he’s in trouble. I walk in there and half his head is shaved. So I asked him, what happened?
Son: I don’t know!
Dad 1: You don’t know? You don’t know what happened to your hair? Son, was your head with you all day???
Mom: We had two girls, and when they were 2 and 4, their dad was working nights. He’d come home, put them down for a nap and then take his nap. One day, he’s asleep, thinking they’re asleep, and is woken up by my mom yelling at him.
MIL: Wake up!! The girls were outside!
Dad: What? What are you talking about? They’re napping!
Mom: It turns out that 4 year old had woken her sister up, taken her little backpack, and took her sister outside in a diaper and were in the front yard. My mom used to come by in the afternoons to help him with the girls, so when she pulled up, there they are, standing in the front yard and she freaks out. When she asked them what they were doing, 4 year old replies “We’re going to take the bus, to the beach!”
Dad 2: And Moms never stop, either. I was going to the mountains with some friends, so I called her up to let her know.
She immediately says: Ok, you’re going to need your jacket, and don’t forget some thermals, and ….
Son: Mom, I’m 33 years old. I got this.
Mom: Well, you’re still going to need your jacket.
I’m 48 now, and she’s never going to stop telling me when I need my jacket.
February 24, 2009
Two work lunches in a row: we’re having gumbo today.
I know @mrsmicah got some beads today, (Twitter is so fun!) is anyone doing anything fun?
‘scuse me, I have to go find food because I’m starving. As always.
Linkydoo:
Mapgirl’s got some medical emergency stuff going on, please send good thoughts her way.
SFOrdinaryGirl‘s also got some stuff going on. She’s not mentioned it on the blog, but please send some positive thoughts her way anyway.
February 10, 2009
MSN Money’s 6 financial milestones before 30 seem a little…. well …. blah. They really don’t light up the fire of my imagination, really.
1. Scale back the credit cards.
2. Own a home — or have a plan.
3. Have skills.
4. Give money away.
5. Know thyself.
6. Know smart people.
It’s not bad advice, it’s just kind of vague and run of the mill.
Then again, who am I to complain in this economy, right? Let’s see what we can do to personalize it a little, instead.
1. I don’t have credit card debt, and have canceled a number of cards that I don’t use. Where possible, the credit lines were transferred to the remaining cards to preserve the illusion of higher credit available. This inadvertently messed up my insurance premium refund, unfortunately, because they credited an account that no longer exists! We’ll see if I can get the insurance company to cut a check.
2. Um, I have a whole hundred dollars put away in lieu of a plan. So a plan might be a good idea. In fact, this will regain line item status on my next budget whenever I land a new job. More concretely, I would like to have my down payment (20% of course) and house maintenance saved, apart from my emergency fund. That’s a lot of cash!
3. Oh, I have skills. They’re good ones, too. But they could use some flair and I do have a plan for that. Girlfriend of mine has the Adobe Creative Suite with extra downloads and she offered one set to me when the new laptop was up and running. It is, now, so it’s time to take her up on that offer and start learning how to Photoshop and maybe even InDesign. And a friend’s friend is a web designer who might be willing to teach me some of his awesome designer skills; that would come in handy in any number of ways. Can you say (watch out, corporate speak!) value-add?
4. I’m guessing that giving money to the landlord, the electric company, the city, and gas companies don’t count, huh. Nor does feeding my family. I could and must do better here. In the past, the NYC medics were recipients of my generosity, as best as I could afford, as well as my extended family. My goal is to comfortably afford to give an average of $50/month. I know it’s not much, but it’s a start and y’know, family to feed and house. Another budgetary line item.
5. Ok, this one is a little tougher than it sounds. For me, anyway. It’s easier to know my goals, my challenges, and my shortcomings than myself as a whole person. It’s been years since I’ve asked myself what I wanted or dreamed, and I’ve only just begun to explore that area this year. Turns out that I’m a bit more complex than my finances: I am not my money, nor am I my family or my job. So what am I?? This could take a while ….
6. Yep, I know all of you smarties, and my high school friends are no mental slouches either. I like being surrounded by smart people, and sometimes even smart people who disagree with me. 😉 This is great advice because I firmly believe that you rise and fall to the levels of the people around you; so you can only rise naturally if you’re learning from wise people in a learning environment. It’s a tough climb, and lonely to boot, otherwise.
Items 3-6 are all actions I can begin now and should continue well past my thirties. I’d love to be well on my way to achieving Item 2 in the next three years, and have a more developed career plan on the table by that time as well.
Let’s not limit this to your thirties: what’s on the horizon for you? What does your five or ten year plan include?
February 8, 2009
Mostly a small change weekend. On my part, anyway.
+ Received a $1.10 refund from the loan company. I guess I overpaid the payoff?
+ Treated myself to a 33 cent cup of Lime Chicken Maruchan ramen – So(dium) delicious!
+ Had some really good (and cheap) dim sum – Less than $14/person including tip.
+ Tank of gas, $18
+ Paid a $1 Fandango service fee for a free movie ticket at Regal. Exchanged for a free movie voucher because my parents smashed up their car right before the movie started and I had to leave and pick them up. They’re bruised and sore, but I think they’re alright. No other cars were involved, either, thankfully. Put them both to bed with Tylenol and dinner, and stayed home to watch 2 more episodes of Firefly and House. Free TV via Hulu is a blessing and a curse!
+ Finished two of three loads of laundry. Waiting 3+ weeks to really do laundry meant I could finally sort into lights and darks! Smaller loads than usual, but I’ve been worried about the agitator in the machine and its ability to handle the big loads lately.
Big bills, pending:
+ Trying to decide what to do about a rental car. Just a weekend rental for them since they can use my car during the week? Or a weekly rental with unlimited mileage?
+ $500 deductible, family car. Sadly, my auto maintenance fund is not quite there yet so I’ll have to steal from the expense fund again.
+ Rent
Back to hanging up laundry, and plotting which errands to run today. All week I’ve been fighting off the office creeping crud that everyone else harbored, and ran out of Day/Nyquil doing it. Without it, the cough and sore throat are developing. Must. Not. Succumb!
+ J. Money’s got His and Her money combined and things look really good. See? I guess marriage IS good for the pocketbook.