November 15, 2006
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This was the post that never made it up from a few weeks ago.
“If this is the man you’re spending the rest of your life with, he should know and he’ll understand.”
In all my months of blogging and years of financial planning, I never thought I would be on the receiving end of this advice. But I was, and rightly so. Why?
Because I’m so deeply involved in my family’s finances and yet feel like I cannot and do not have the right to discuss them outside the family.
Because I feel that it’s my burden to bear and that no one else needs to be privy to the conversation.
Because it’s embarrassing to admit that as together as my finances are, my family’s are not. It’s a huge responsibility that feels like my real job – making sure everything’s ok – but it’s nothing I can really articulate. I didn’t, and don’t, want to admit to myself that I can’t save them from their circumstances. I don’t want to admit to the world that I’m foolish, and stubborn, enough to try.
Because keeping my mouth shut was better than trying to explain why the situation is the way it is to anyone, even BoyDucky. Especially BoyDucky. I’m as bad as PaDucky: he insists on not disclosing financial need to me and I insist on not asking for help from anybody. This is my baggage. How do I check it?
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For weeks, I’ve alternated between feeling guilty for refusing to admit that I have a problem, and being determined to fix the problem instead of talking about it. But month after month, things didn’t really get better. I found myself putting off conversations about our future and wondering how exactly I think I’m going to plan our future together with this big blank information-shaped hole that I insist on censoring.
So, I did it. I finally did it. I finally ‘fessed up to BoyDucky. I admitted that there are times I’m fully supporting the family, and there are times when it’s to a lesser degree. There were times I’ve made poor decisions. There were times I should have simply put the extra money towards savings instead of rushing to the rescue. But I didn’t know, because I didn’t ask. And maybe my naïve insensitivity had just as much to do with PaDucky’s reluctance to reveal times of difficulty as did his pride. The communication on this particular front with PaDucky may never change. And I don’t know if and when things will be in better shape.
It’s the first step, the first salvo fired, but it’s not the war. It’s not even the battle. Despite his reassurances that he both understands and expects to help my parents as I would expect to help his, I know that it’ll continue to be a struggle to ask BoyDucky for help when the time comes. I can hardly reconcile myself to accepting that he can support me through school, but to add the burden of my parents?
Still, it’s a step. And we’re reading the same book, even if it’s not quite the same page.
November 12, 2006
BoyDucky and his sister are sleeping off the hangover [BoyDucky: was TOO well loved by the gang] and the early morning rising and cooking [she took one for the team: got up, grocery shopped AND cooked. Mm, good sister!!]. I’ve done the dishes and settled down to do some work, but couldn’t quite get into it.
I’m amazed that my wallet escaped the dinner and karaoke relatively unscathed … well, not unscathed but in much better shape than I feared. It would have helped if a handful of people DIDN’T leave karaoke without paying [!!] but we were still ok. I might make it through this birthday weekend in pretty good shape considering I [rather uncharacteristically] didn’t even want to think about how much everything would cost! Of course I’ll do a post-weekend checkup, but I notice that when it comes to planning things for BoyDucky with his family, it’s hard to maintain my usual frugal sensibilities because I feel like I’m the only one who thinks about how each decision impacts the overall budget. And then I feel totally cheap for thinking that way for someone else’s birthday or event, especially when it’s BoyDucky! Anyway ….
Saturday was the first of three days of festivities celebrating BoyDucky’s big 30th birthday! My big surprise for him was rounding up all his old gang, including one out-of-state couple, for some quality time from morning, noon ’til night. We finished off the evening with countless rounds of soju and karaoke with all the friends we could squeeze on the invite, his poor sis-in-law had to do all the guest list trimming! …. never have I EVER imagined the notion of joining in any sort of karaoke, much less with about 30 other people in a private room, but it was absolutely hilarious! Not a bad week’s worth of work, if I do say so myself 🙂
HAPPY BIRTHDAY BOYDUCKY!!
November 10, 2006
Has anyone had a lot of trouble with Blogger lately? Has anyone tried the new version of Blogger yet?
November 9, 2006
I’m giving Yodlee a whirl! I’ve been using pen and paper for as long as I’ve had a credit card. While I like it and it works for me, I’m always half convinced that I should be using some sort of technological doodad to keep my finances in order; I do just about everything else online, why not this? More importantly, the sheer number of accounts I have are becoming overwhelming and I’m absolutely certain that I’m going to get so busy one day that I won’t have time to neurotically check every account six times a day, and I’ll miss a payment or something. It happens.
After all, the whole software thing sounds like a great idea, doesn’t it? Upload all your finances into a single site or program that organizes everything for you and it makes your life easier! Yeah, I can get behind that. But, in past years, I’ve tried MSN Money and a really old version of Quicken and I just couldn’t stand them. I’m not sure if it was interminably waiting for an update or trying to separate out these cards from that account or having the software judgmentally sorting through my spending. Whatever it was I didn’t like about the other programs, I’m pretty sure the clincher was that none of the programs had a calendar with the payments written on the due dates like I do manually. This is a problem because I’m very visual when it comes to the calendar and need to see whole months in advance whenever I plan anything. But Yodlee does! If nothing else, their financial calendar has seduced me.
I’m not enjoying the process of adding accounts right now because I have to remember every username and password I’ve set up, but I do like the ability to nickname my accounts. I didn’t like how Citibank didn’t let me name any of my e-savings accounts. Here’s hoping it doesn’t take me as long to learn my way around and reconfigure the Yodlee account as it’s taken with Blogger!
November 8, 2006
Daniel’s posting on his [and his fiance’s] journey to a $100k net worth has been simmering with my thoughts on financially preparing for a wedding and marriage and provoked some other questions.
Prevailing wisdom cautions that it’s best not to combine finances before marriage.
I’ve got no problem with that. I consider that period before the official engagement an opportunity to get your financial house straightened up, the debts carted out to the curb and dust chivied out of the fallow accounts. As best you can, anyway. It could also be a great training period for FOSs (fresh-out-of-school) to learn how to make and live on a budget if you’ve not done that yet.
In my case, since I’m paying for my own wedding, waiting until the engagement to start saving or setting savings goals does not jibe with my uber-preplanning mentality nor does it give me enough time to save enough money. The thought just makes me antsy! Ideally, I’d like to start setting a savings goal with BoyDucky fairly early on, but isn’t pre-engagement really too early? But then again, is waiting until engagement too late? I’m not talking about joint accounts, which would qualify as combining finances. I’m just talking about deciding that we’re each going to save X amount of money in X amount of time. You know, savings goals and accountability and all that.
Yes, there’s always the option of the long engagement during which we save up. I haven’t got anything against a long engagement. But it seems like once you’re engaged, once you’re actually out-in-the-open, fully-fessed-up engaged, you no longer have the lead time to save because the spending starts! You’re meant to set out on that path of planning the wedding, shopping crook in hand, searching out the bargains and necessary accoutrements for the shindig. Saving up during the engagement just doesn’t sound nearly as effective as being a super-saver beforehand. I have this odd self image of trotting up the lane, waving my “Goals met” slip saying ok! I’m ready to be proposed to now! Silly, huh?
But, Daniel’s accomplishment of increasing his net worth has given me some perspective on the possibility that, perhaps, I don’t have to have every duck in line before my tax status changes. 😉
The movie I was looking forward to seeing, originally scheduled for a March 2007 release, has been pushed back to July 2007 because: “the head honchos at Paramount saw a rough cut two weeks ago, and decided that it was strong enough to be a “summer tentpole” movie. So it’s been moved from March 2007 to July 2007. Which I think is mostly a good thing, as it means they have confidence in it and will get their mighty marketing machine behind it, but is a bit worrying as there’s an awful lot of competition in the Summer, whereas around Easter we would have been the only thing like that around.” (www.neilgaiman.com)
The film is based on Neil Gaiman’s book by the same name, and promises MUCH hilarity. I’m sure it’ll do just fine up against any of the other Hollywood tripe being released next year. I saw a rough cut or three of it in San Diego in July and was suitably impressed by the comic talents of all the actors involved, famous or not. Be sure to see it when it comes out, it’ll be worth it!!
What’s it about, you ask? Why …. : In the tranquil fields and meadows of long-ago England, there is a small hamlet that has stood on a jut of granite for 600 years. Just to the east stands a high stone wall, for which the village is named. Here, in the hamlet of Wall, young Tristran Thorn has lost his heart to the hauntingly beautiful Victoria Forester. And here, one crisp October eve, Tristran makes his love a promise — an impetuous vow that will send him through the only breach in the wall, across the pasture… and into the most exhilarating adventure of his life.