August 27, 2009
Just when I’d gotten the whole anti-wedding rant out of my system, we’re confronted with a rather astounding creature: the only child, Miami bride who is marrying our dear friend.
Full disclosure: Literally the only things we know about this individual is that a) she’s an only child, b) she evidently likes him pudgy, and c) our friend is staying in Florida to be with her.
But if we may amateurishly practice the art of psychological profiling via behavioral observation to ascertain a little more about this mystery woman, let’s do!
Tell me, folks, what make you of this?
No registry information was listed in the invitation. The invite itself was classy, understated, printed on VERY nice card stock that shimmered. Since we’re associated on the groom’s side, there was no handy brides/maid of honor/bridesmaid grapevine from which to glean the shopping 411. Normally, I just give cash. But since we’re flying out there, we’re already spending a whole heck of a lot of money and frankly, I’d rather find a good deal that costs less than the $200 cash we’d feel obligated to give.
I cracked my knuckles (not really, I hate the sound of that) and went to work online. My first foray was to the Macy*s gift registry because what couple doesn’t register there?
And my-my-my! I had to double check the date to make sure we really ARE still in a recession. Also, I know our friend and he’s an REI dude. Like, a dude who has seen fine china but would be hard-pressed to identify the various implements and doodads involved in fine dining. I’m just going to go whole hog on the assumptions here and guess she never let him handle the registry gun but once.
A sampling for your pleasure:
Every single piece of Kate Spade china and flatware made or sold by Macy*s
~ A Platinum teapot — $238
~ A sugar bowl — $105
~ A salt and pepper shaker set — $82
~ A Platinum creamer — $90
~ A gravy boat and platter — $180
Every appliance known to man, platinum pricing
~ DeLonghi coffeemaker — $375
~ DeLonghi espresso maker — $140
Bedding must not be neglected ~ Hotel collection comforter — $760 [someone actually purchased this, btw]
~ Duvet — $470
~ Sheets (5 sets) — $95/each
~ Pillowcases (2 sets) — $95 each
~ Pillows — $220
Does it surprise you that my next hunch also panned out? Where else would this couple be registered? Bloomingdale’s? YES. Target? NO.
At Bloomie’s, we’re Monique Lhullier all the way:
~ 5 pc place setting, we’d like ten — $140 each
~ Creamer — $115
~ soup bowls, we’d like ten — $80 each
And Vera Wang for the flatware, of course.
Our friend is not in a profession where he’s going to be pulling down six figures a year, ever, so my faint hope is that she either simply is unaware that some of us po’ folk can’t spend rent money on a few objets d’art for the kitchen, bathroom or bedroom, or that she’s tailoring the registry to the style her friends and family are accustomed to giving. I find the latter hard to believe, though, because the wedding’s in three days and most of those selections are still wide open for purchase.
Whatever the reason, the registry seems to imply that this lady is waaaay out of his income league, and I can only cross my fingers that Daddy or Mommy’s money will be subsidizing their lifestyle if this demonstrates her idea of normal.
By the by? I did check REI. And Bed, Bath and Beyond. And Linens’n’Things. Nope on every single one.
I finally did find a decent combination of kitchenware that wouldn’t break the bank, found a 10% off coupon via retailmenot.com, and added a little ebates.com action to boot. All told, with gift wrap, it’ll be about $75 which is still way too much for a few baking pans. But what did they really expect? A bi-coastal wedding and they registered for nearly all $100+ items? *sigh*
August 9, 2009
[Stacking Pennies, Paranoid Asteroid, Sallie’s Niece, who else am I forgetting?]
I’ve sown the first (second, truthfully) seed.
No, not that one. The other one. The one where I tell one member of my family, a beloved cousin, that I’m just not on for that wedding + extended family + people I Don’t Even Know nonsense. Present company excepted, I’m just not into the wedding hullaballoo and not to be surprised if I elope.
She didn’t give me the You’d Better Tell Me! ultimatum like my other cousin did. Which is good. That means she’s not taking it too seriously, but now she knows the possibility is out there.
*rubbing hands in anticipation*
I feel like a total rebel. There’s been one non-traditional wedding in the family in the last 25 years, and that was only acceptable because the two in question were two older adults who weren’t expected to be their parents’ showcases. [Because their parents were deceased.]
It wasn’t until this past year that I realized that all my stressing about saving at least $25,000 for a wedding that I wasn’t going to enjoy just because I wanted to honor my family’s expectations was just crap.
1 – I hate being the center of attention. My poor mom kept trying to talk sense into me: you only get this chance once, it’s your only special day, everybody will want to see you…. but she never realize that last point was always the endgame. I like my friends, I like some of my family. I love spending time with them. But I hate being in the spotlight! It makes me feel like a spastic, awkwardly grinning monkey.
2 – I really hate being in the spotlight. Hate hate hate. I’ve served as bridesmaid often enough to be happy I’m just in the sidelines of the spotlight, but I grinned and bore it for the love of my friends who were reveling in their special day.
3 – I like the work involved in putting a wedding together, I’ve done enough of them to know the drill, the dance and the panic polka, and it’s kind of fun, really, but that’s more because I’m a workaholic. Thus, I like the work. And it’s fun creating a bride’s vision. But I just don’t really have a vision of my own. I’ve never looked at the weddings I’ve attended, been in, or worked on and said, “laaaa-siiiighhhh, I want mine to be juuuust like thaaaat.” Given the chance, I might be able to pick a dress. But that’s about it.
So this is my thought. If I get married, I’m really pushing hard for an elopement, or a civil ceremony and a small friends + family party. I just don’t feel the imperative to prove it to the world in the form of perfectly arranged flowers, too much fluffy tulle, and organizational gymnastics. The world doesn’t know me, or particularly care.
Besides, marriage isn’t about that. It’s about the relationship, which is best homespun and supplied with plenty of food and laughter. So I’m not betraying anything, I’m just taking it down a notch to simplicity.
P.S. Ladies currently planning or intending to plan your weddings? Please continue! I love attending a lovely wedding. I like wedding pictures, even watching the wedding video afterwards, if it’s good. I just doubt I can handle being the bride myself. 🙂
March 28, 2009
There are a billion and one articles in the pf blogosphere on saving (or not) money when planning a wedding. That’s not what this is about. I’ve linked to a few of the more recent conversations, some controversial, some not, about weddings below if you want the juicier stuff.
I’ve put weddings out of my mind for the foreseeable future, but my family has a few cultural traditions that amuse me. I’m opting out of most, but they’re still fun to editorialize on.
1. Invitations: Seeing invitations on the kitchen table is what prompted this post. In all the ways money is saved or spent in wedding planning, the bride and groom can count on the clumping of families to save on mailing costs. They pick one person who can be relied on in each branch of the family, and send all the invitations in bulk to that one person. Cost of sending ten invitations to my family for distribution: $1.85. I’m betting there aren’t even RSVPs in there because they depend on the family grapevine to deliver that news since people are terrible about RSVPing. (This would drive the plannerly side of me insane.)
2. Wedding gifts: We’re Asian. We give cold hard cash, enough to “cover” the plate just means about $50/person, now. My family does not impose this expectation on guests from other cultures, so you can invite your bosses, coworkers or other ethnically inclined friends without having to shun them afterward for improper gift giving. (There’s never a registry though, so that doesn’t make it easier on the non-family guests.) Anyway, as my parents explained it, there are two parts to the traditional wedding, and the money involved.
3. The morning ceremony: This is the “religious” part of the wedding, generally only family and very close friends are invited to this session. Most of my family is Buddhist or just observe Confucianism, so it involves the groom’s family bringing the representative symbols of the bride’s dowry in the form of a roast pig, fresh fruit, and bottles of wine or liquor. Also, jewelry for the bride. I know it’s awful, but it’s one way to see how much the groom’s family likes the bride. If they break out awesome sparkles, they love you lots. If the necklace and earrings are lackluster, watch out, your in-laws are not cool with the marriage (or you). Good time to find out, eh?
At the tea ceremony, the red envelopes stuffed with cash are presented to the bride and groom as the new couple share a cup of tea with the guest. A rule of thumb: the older the guest, the closer the relationship, the more money you’re expected to fork out. My parents had to give her siblings upwards of $500-$700 each, back in the day, in addition to paying for parts of the wedding. Then again, we don’t keep track of who gave what (I don’t think we do). It’s all put into a bag or basket anyway, so if the guest wants to remain anonymous, that’s fine.
Traditionally, the bride’s family hosts this part of the day, and serves lunch to all the guests. The bride’s parents get to keep all that money from the morning ceremony. It’s “repayment” for all the weddings they attended in the community. I always wondered what the groom’s parents got their share. If everyone followed these rules, they seem to get gypped.
4. The evening portion is the reception. Guest lists can easily surpass 400-500 people if you’re so inclined, and with an extended family like mine, we could fill that many seats on my side alone. Again, the gift expectation is cash, but the bride and groom get to keep that money. It usually goes towards covering the cost of the wedding, reception, etc. Some people, in Eastern European countries or Asian countries, actually plan to make money off their wedding. It’s part of their accepted cultural practice, and it’s all very interesting to see that kind of planning. One girlfriend used to call me and tell me in hushed tones what her brother in law was doing this time to minimize expenses and maximize profits from his upcoming wedding. I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard my uncle dismiss my wish for a small wedding to reduce costs, “Pf, why make it small? To save money? Don’t worry! Invite everyone you want, the gifts will help pay for the wedding.”
Well, no. *shrug* I hate being the center of attention, and my guests are not cash cows so the whole thing is not my bag, but I know they think I’m being silly. Shhh, they don’t know that if I’m getting married, I’m doing it my way!
5. Thank yous: If you’re going totally traditional, you don’t send thank you cards. Most weddings will have photographers taking your photo with the couple at the reception’s receiving line, and some will print those out for you to take home. Just like Medieval Times.
Makes sense, if everyone gave you cash. What would you say? “Dear Auntie, thank you for the lovely $200, we’ll display it on the mantle”? “It’ll be a great part of our down payment”? I’m kidding, of course you could write a lovely thank you note for their attendance. Really, the potential anonymity of the gift-giving plays into this part of the tradition, as well as the usually outsized guest lists that can frequently include more than 100 guests you’ve never met or haven’t seen since you were three. It happens.
Oh, and the photos have a “thank you for attending” printed on them. Sooo … free pass! 🙂
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Obviously, all of these little traditions and accepted practices are specific to our family. The reason they “work” is because most weddings are still considered formal affairs that include negotiations, love match or not. Weird? Yeah. Definitely. But it does makes sense to discuss all the expectations when there’s obviously so much emotion, time and money invested. From my parents’ generation, I’ve even witnessed the debates over acceptable negotiators! My dad was frequently requested as a go-between for the bride or groom, to speak on their behalf to the other side’s parents and work out the details of how the wedding would be handled, so I heard more about the nuances than most kids.
Still, I’d like to make my own path because after being involved in so many traditions, it feels like a bit of an ordeal. I want to be able to sit and talk with my family and friends, and know that the people attending actually cared. Bratly it may be, I’ve paid my family dues so I’d like to have a bit of fun for my wedding.
Wedding talk
Paranoid Asteroid: 10 frugal things I’m not doing for my wedding
When people ask how you can spend $30K on a wedding…
August 21, 2008
No, no, not from MY wedding, from the wedding we attended this past weekend. It was absolutely gorgeous. The winery was way up at the top of a mountainside, and overlooked the vineyard. It was really cold and breezy at first, but warmed up to the perfect temperature within minutes of the ceremony.
The view from ceremony area:
The reception area:
The view from the balcony:
The spiky plants that look like lychee to me:
The program fan: each page had a little proverb or quote at that bottom.
What $6000 worth of flowers looks like: the family encouraged everyone take them all home at the end of the night
A salad roll! It was lovely to look at, but it would have been tastier if it had consisted of more than just spinach.
We had at least a dozen wine servers during dinner. It seemed like they had an army: three drink servers would descend upon each table every drink rotation. I suppose that’s the most important thing to the winery, their other servers were a little off their beat because they tried to serve half a table’s dinners before bringing out salads. Oops!
It was a short and sweet ceremony, which I always appreciate because my attention tends to wander, and there were hors d’oerves galore: a spring roll station, a sushi station, a wine tasting station, an open bar (open the ENTIRE TIME), an assorted candies station with little Chinese takeout boxes designed for the guests to fill up on their own favors, and servers walking around with rectangular serving plates with six little servings of each food. I can’t imagine how many times those poor folks had to go back to refill on the banana topped, brie-filled brioches, the cheese stuffed figs, or several other items that I can’t even remember. Oh, and we can’t forget the coffee and tea station because BF promptly spilled coffee on his shoes. Honestly, I’m just glad I didn’t pratfall on my way out to bring him napkins, we’d be the klutziest pair there.
There was a string quartet playing before the ceremony and a DJ for the rest of the evening, and the older folks had an absolute blast because they played mostly oldies.
The pf blogger in me was quietly more than a little amazed at how people could afford the kind of money this wedding cost. I’m just now toting up the prices in my head, thinking, the amount of effort that went into this is far more than I’d be willing to commit to a wedding for myself, much less the resources. The venue alone must have been $8000 because it’s still summer and wedding season, it was on a Saturday and lasted the entire day. As early as everything started, complete with several limo buses to ferry people up the mountain, they had to have booked the winery for the entire day. Oh yes! They had luxury limos to bring their guests to and from the wedding site to the selected hotel. Amazing. I’m pretty sure the limos were reserved for the full day as well because the invitation stated that the limos would be available to return people to the hotel for a four hour block before the festivities ended for those who wanted to leave early. We already know the flowers were $6000, from the groom’s mother, and that’s a cool $15,000 just for a place, before all the catering, drinks and service, music, or any other wedding party accoutrements.
As lovely as it was, as gorgeous as the entire ceremony and all the trappings were, I felt absolutely certain that the older I get, the less I want this kind of wedding. I’m not sure what I’d want, I can’t quite picture it other than not to be the center of attention, but the fuzzy edges of the image of what I’d enjoy certainly looks much less grandiose.
January 22, 2008
It’s a good thing I was so well prepared for R’s wedding gifts.
I paid for her bridal shower gifts using my hoarded Victoria’s Secret gift cards. No coupons to use there, but I did find everything on sale.
For the actual wedding gifts, I redeemed a $100 Macy’s gift card from my Thank You points last month, used a great all-purpose “11% off anything in the store” Macy’s coupon from my business trip in September, and bought three gifts from her registry for a total of $60 after coupon.
And the lady handed me back the coupon, which doesn’t expire until March 31st, back. 🙂 I have an extra one, so if anyone wants it, shoot me an email!
A few weeks ago, I read up on wedding gift etiquette, it’s a pretty hot topic on some wedding forums, and learned a few things that seemed contradictory:
1. Guests usually send upon receipt of their invitation, and have up to 1 year after the wedding to send a gift.
2. The bride and groom, however, are not supposed to talk about their registries in the invitation.
So … how do the guests who may not be very close to the bride and groom find out about the registries? I understand that it’s bad form to actively solicit gifts, but is it really preferable to send your guests on a scavenger hunt to find someone who’s in the know? And is it fair to the organizing person who is inevitably fielding a dozen wedding-related calls a day to have to return another dozen calls with a recitation of the registry stores? I can tell you I got pretty tired of getting the calls and texts asking, hey, where are they registered (again!)? There’s got to be a compromise somewhere in there.
3. The guests are not obligated to give gifts that are equal to the value of their plates.
Culturally this is a little funny for me, because that’s exactly the rule of thumb of gift giving in our community. You give at least what your plate probably cost, based on $50 increments, and much more if you’re family or close friends. And even more if you’re immediate family to either bride or groom. My parents, back in the day, gave my mom’s siblings from seven hundred dollars to a thousand dollars as their gift alone, and that doesn’t include paying for part of the wedding. Ma’s the oldest, so it was expected.
In R’s case, though, I didn’t feel obligated to calculate proper return on the cost of our plates because I’d done so much work, and spent so much on all the pre-wedding stuff, that the gift itself pales in comparison. Not to toot my own horn, but I was at that girl’s beck and call, and was darn good emotional support through some pretty tough nights! I was there for her, dangit! 🙂
I also didn’t feel awkward about being creative in financing her gifts. After all, she still got things she liked from her registry, and it doesn’t hurt her at all that I didn’t go into debt for it.
January 20, 2008
The big wedding was yesterday, and it was absolutely lovely. They have the first half of the wedding photos on DVD already, and those pictures were totally worth getting up at 4:30 (bride and MOH) and 6:30 (rest of the bridesmaids) for. Seriously. They were some awesome photos. I definitely want to find out how much they paid for that photographer because he was quite good. Though, his assistant was a little creepy at the reception; I think he might have been hitting on me.
Highlights
We had serial spill problems: the mother of the bride was picking up litter on the church lawn before we got there, and discovered a carton of milk still had milk in it by spilling it on her dress. She had a back-up, thankfully, and ran home to get it.
The bride started freaking out that her parents were missing due to the above incident, I had to chase family members down and pin on their boutonnieres, the bride’s grandma forgot her cane, there was no water in the church for the bride, and I had a case of severe stage fright and got all emotional because my best friend of 14 years was really officially getting married and leaving us. It’s going to be so weird not having her five minutes away, just up the street. The ushers didn’t know when to start ushering. And they forgot to hand out the programs, so the guests didn’t know to leave the church for the reception site after the ceremony. Whoops ….
The ceremony was lovely, we had an Honor Guard because the groom and groomsmen were all military, and again, the post ceremony pictures were wonderful. The flower girls were darling, the groomsmen were spit and polished, the bridesmaids were sparkling, and the bride and groom were gorgeous together.
I might be biased.
And the other spill? During the bride’s moment to thank the guests, she got choked up and her groom, I love the guy – he’s just as klutzy as I am, flailed out his arm to grab her hand and comfort her. Except his go-go-gadget arms smacked her champagne glass instead, flinging the entire glass of champagne on her dress. Ironically, this happened just as she thanked me for all my help and support, and there I was, frantically wiping champagne off her dress. Show and tell!
I missed most of the hors d’oerves because we were late making our grand entrance, but I did get a crab wonton and it was heavenly! Our lunches were either stuffed chicken or steak, both of which were unbelievably tender, with perfectly steamed and sliced peppers, snap peas, green beans and other veggies, and a side of the creamiest mashed potatoes ever. The chef really outdid himself.
The wedding cake was three tiered: one lemon cake, one carrot cake and a mystery tier for their anniversary. I was a little confused because they didn’t do an official cake cutting part of the night, but that’s ok. The mystery tier is in my freezer because they haven’t any room left in their freezer, and I keep wondering if I can steal some …. mmm…caaaake. They only need a slice or two for next year, right? Right?
Anyway. I was so tired after we unpacked their 13 tons of gifts that I could barely eat dinner that night. BoyDucky was awesome and made us soup and dumplings, but it took me half an hour to get through a bowl of chicken and rice soup.
And I’m still tired today. But everyone was very pleased with how it went off after all the stress of the past few months, and I’m happy for her. She’s got a good guy, and she’ll be happy with him.
October 16, 2007
Bridesmaid #3 and I were brainstorming ideas for the bridal shower and I realized that we could take on a couple of really ambitious presents that are frugal and yet, something the bride’d never ever anticipate. She also couldn’t ever put it on a registry, so no one would ever think to do it.
5 years ago, she undertook an enormous quilt-making project for the dozen members of our core group of friends. She had everyone decorate a quilt square for every other member, and she intended to gather all the squares and create friendship quilts. However, thanks to a few procrastinatory members, she never got the rest of the squares, and the project has languished ever since.
It’s just possible that we might be able to locate, smuggle out the various components of the project and do it ourselves. Uh, while I’m also organizing 3 of her parties, BoyDucky’s weekend, helping her plan the entire wedding, counseling and all that jazz, I’m going to organize friends who can sew to try and sew a dozen quilts between now and … January. Uh …. hm. Maybe this isn’t such a good idea.
Well anyway, the idea was to have them all made up and ready to go, and give them to her to give out at her own shower, as if she made them!
I just found out that I have to fold 1000 paper cranes for the wedding, too. Or make that happen. I’ve already tapped all my go-to creative people for other things, I feel like I’m overloading them with things to do.
Oh, and for her wedding gift: I wanted to make a “behind-the-scenes” photo album of all the planning and organizing that she’s not participating in. Stuff like our creating her shower invitations, the preparations thereof, the quilt-making party if we do that, the actual showers, etc. It’ll be the companion to her actual wedding album!
What do you think? Too cheesy?
