In a few months, I’ll be 26, and have never left home. Traveled a bit, yes, spent a little time away from home, yes. Moved out for college? No. Moved away for a new job? No.
There are, of course, reasons. First and foremost, I’ve always taken my responsibility to my family to heart. It seemed the obvious choice: family in trouble? I can help? A + B = C!
Second, it was practical. So long as I was within commuting distance of work, what sense did it make to maintain a separate household? After all, I was supporting the family, and it’s only logical to conserve limited resources.
Third, it was a form of safety in numbers. BroDucky hasahistory of abusing the family’s resources, and I’m the only barrier he respects. For myself, I could work extraordinarily long hours to bring in extra money, and not have to worry about cooking for myself, grocery shopping, cleaning, home maintenance, or change for the laundromat, or living in a crappy apartment or bad neighbors, or any of the thousand and one minor details involved in living alone.
Fourth, it was my duty, wasn’t it? The essence of filial piety is to be there when needed. After all, they raised and supported, suffered and sacrificed for me for twenty odd years. More importantly, someone had to offset my bum of a brother. Since my parents had settled for two kids, I was left holding the bag.
In essence, all the reasons to stay seemed logical, practical and sensible. I could come and go as I pleased if I had time, and there was usually food in the house, and for the most part, I just paid the bills and did my thing. Sure, I thought it’d be awful nice to experience independent life, and have my own living space, and all, but it wasn’t a terrible situation, living at home, and that was a want, not a need.
But.
The past several months have really shaken my emotional balance to the core, and I’m realizing that as things just continue to deteriorate in my home, I just can’t stand it any longer.
I have to stop enabling my parents, namely my father, by subsidizing their lives while he searches for the right thing to do. Now, don’t get me wrong, he has been trying to some degree. He wasn’t sitting at home doing nothing the last several years, but he could really have done better. But, frankly, it’s only been in the last few months that he’s really set aside his pride and taken more drastic steps to produce some income. His previous approach to employment and the choices he made to be picky about some job offers were less than satisfactory to me and MaDucky, but neither of us could sway him to the sensible choice at that time. (It’s amazing how similar this situation is to my brother. Or not so amazing, really.) Now that he’s in motion, I’m trying to encourage the momentum.
Adding to the conflict is MaDucky’s health has declined, and she’s become extremely irrational, combative and accusatory. She’s forgetful and easily confused, and very shaky on her feet. She’s fallen countless times in the past few months, as PaDucky has reported back to me, and matters are further complicated by her insistence on finding a job. I’ve spoken to her at length, explaining that the only thing that’s important is her health, and that PaDucky and I would take care of the finances, but she’s so paranoid that she doesn’t trust him or his judgment, and spends most of her time accusing him of not caring about her, and blaming him for all his mistakes up to this point. Combined with her insistence that she’s “fine,” her mentality makes for very frustrating discussions because she can only focus on all his failings, and how they’ve hurt her. I understand that she’s depressed, anxious about money and more than a little mentally distraught, but her absolute deathgrip on negativity is nigh on impossible to break. She’s so tightly bound in her feedback loop of blame and anger that all she can do is drag me into the downward spiral with her, and that seriously stresses me out. Getting her to comply with the least little thing is like pulling teeth.
Between the three of them, I’ve come to the end of my rope. I simply can’t maintain my sanity when all I hear is bad news and tattling about the other family members’ behavior.
I’ve certainly been encouraged by my friends to get out, but it seemed so selfish to say that I no longer want to be here at Ground Zero because …. because I just didn’t want to. Close friends have insisted that it’s not selfish, but when my reason is simply that I just don’t want to be here anymore, it sure seems that way. There are other reasons, of course, like not wanting to sacrifice my life for my parents’ lives, not wanting to live their lives instead of mine by making decisions that are solely based on helping family and thereby eroding my own personal stability. But that sounds selfish. Friend A’s response was the only one that assuaged my guilt: No animal is meant to live with their parents forever. And besides, it’s not like I won’t still be around to help. I would just have a safe haven to retreat to at the end of the day.
So, for the first time, I’m seriously thinking about an exit strategy. It’s arguably the worst time to make this decision, yet, I can’t NOT. I don’t know where I should go, no idea when I’m planning to be out, heck, no idea if I can even stand this job much longer if Little Boss continues his madness! And despite my conviction that I always wanted to be going to something and not running away when I leave home, I feel the desperate need to do this for myself, never mind the overwhelming guilt that I’m abandoning my family, nor the feeling that I’m lacking in filial piety or humanity. And I’ve never said that before.
1. I’m boycotting Christmas gift shopping this year as I’ve been more than overwhelmed with recent events.
2. I’m confused about my standing in the office. I usually have a decent rapport and line of communication with Little Boss, but reflecting on my sort-of review a few months ago, I realize that not much has changed since we had our last sitdown. He felt I wasn’t fulfilling what he sees as the responsibilities of his second in command (a position I don’t officially hold). The reason ticked me off.
He’s never laid out the terms of what those responsibilities are because he thinks that they’re “obvious.” He says they were when he was in that position supporting his first in command. Obvious? Hmph! What? I should think NOT. I can accept that he and I didn’t see eye to eye, but not telling me what he wants and then chastising me for not doing it is just wrong. During the past year, lest you think I was being a slacker, I was managing the daily activities of 3-5 staffers because he was too busy, and because that was my perception of what obviously needed doing.
This isn’t a relationship, this is a job. Assisting Little Boss is a job; what I was officially hired for is a job. If you have expectations for a position, you have to tell me what they are. I’m not in the business of reading anyone’s mind, not even BoyDucky’s, but even less so in my workplace.
I told him that I only wanted the position if I could fulfill the responsibilities well, but I can’t do that if he expects me to just read his mind and/or guess. Jobs aren’t based on instinct! Since then, I haven’t had any substantive feedback, nor a response to whether or not he thinks mentoring is worth the trouble, or if he’s just written me off as a dead-end, ambitionless staffer. In other words, have I been slow-tracked?
So we’re going to have to have another talk.
3. At some point, I need to sell the truck. Maybe look into a cheap, used car as a third vehicle for the family. It’ll be in my name so if anything happens, I can do something about it. I need to take my brother off the family insurance as well.
4. Car insurance shopping: I need to do that during my break.
5. Renter’s insurance: ditto.
6. Holy crap! I have to plan a bachelorette party for ONE WEEK from now. I’d told the other ‘maids that I was turning responsibility over to them but I haven’t heard anything since. *sigh* See? This is why I become a micro-manager! Ok, I’ll just check in with them first, and see if they’re already talking about what to do. Then I’ll freak out, if I have to.
7. Ditto the holy crap, for the local bridal shower.
8. I’d like to take a day trip. Just … something fresh, easy, fun, and quiet. Something that has nothing to do with every-crazy-thing that’s been going on, to refresh my spirit.
9. I’ll take a day with a litter of puppies, though. Puppy breath is the BEST.
Confrontations: My brother took the car, seeking permission from my enabling father instead of me, on Thursday. I’ve had it out with both my parents for their enabling behavior and finally got a hold of my brother today to give him a piece of my mind for his selfish, thoughtless behavior. I’m taking away his car keys this time, like I should have last time. I’ve also taken away my parent’s keys. How has my family life come to this??
Discoveries: I can probably bid on a one or two year subscription to the Wall Street Journal on ebay and NOT spend $100 on it. The seller requires at least a 30 day history on ebay and have positive feedback due to “non-payers.” I have no recollection of using ebay to purchase anything, but because I had ordered books on half.com 6 years ago, that history translates to ebay! Turns out I have a 6 year history on ebay and 100% positive feedback. NICE. That’s useful IF I win this auction. In the meantime, the website has a pop-up offering me a two-week free online subscription.
Also, I found a stock-conversations friend. Never had one of those before. It’s all very new, but it was good motivation to finally bite the bullet and start investing a little. It’s not that I’ve done all I can with regards to the “less technical” (as I see it) personal finance, it’s just time to expand my horizons. My eyes did start crossing a bit when the conversation got more technical than I’m accustomed to: dividends, divestitures, equity …. oy! My understanding of how stocks work is still shaky. Time to do some research.
Delivery: My ETS check came in the mail on Saturday! +$98! Will have to put that into the Expense account, though. Projected expenses through the end of the year are higher than I’d originally expected.
Acquisition: All the doomsday predictions about Comic Con selling out their 4-day passes even earlier this year got to me. I bought my pass.
Difficulty: BoyDucky’s father took yet another turn for the worse this weekend.
Wow, happy Tuesday everyone! What a jam-packed weekend it’s been! I hope y’all got as much done with just as much free time in between things to relax and enjoy.
The Friday elopement took FOUR HOURS. We raced from my work to the courthouse, only to arrive about 5 minutes late for their appointment. The clerk reassured them that it would be fine, they’d just have to wait a little while. 30 minutes later, we realized that perhaps Friday courthouse weddings were a tad more popular than we expected. I wondered what everyone’s story was: were they here because it was spur of the moment? (well, as spur of the moment as it can be, since you have to have your license all worked out before you can make an appointment for the ceremony) Were they avoiding the big wedding hullaballoo? Were they trying to avoid the big Asian ceremony that I’m dreading?
Surprisingly, once we stepped into the wee chapel, the whole thing became extremely nerve-wracking. I thought I’d made my peace with the idea of keeping this a secret, and that my best friend was getting married. But no, it hadn’t sunk in yet. Still hasn’t. Quite frankly, I couldn’t believe we were actually going through it all. Then we stood in line AGAIN after the ceremony to turn in the application for the certificate. Two hours of standing in line rubbed off some of that just-married glow. But when the new hubby left us in line so he could feed the meter, some guy walking past did a double-take and leered because he thought that it was us two girls who’d gotten married!! Of course we started giggling. Who wouldn’t? Apparently he didn’t see this sign:
(Yeah, there were signs posted that we could only take pictures in the chapel. No, I sure didn’t see them until after I’d taken all my illicit photos of the other signage.) Wedding: 15 minutes. Waiting in line and traffic: 3.5 hours. Ugh!
I spent Saturday running errands and attended a coworker’s father’s funeral. I haven’t been to an American funeral since high school, so I ended up wearing all black – isn’t that what you’re supposed to do? Had no idea, so I picked out all my black, warm-weather clothing and called it an outfit. It was insanely hot too, I found myself sweating within seconds of getting into my car.
Sunday, I ambused my water-hating dog and gave her a bath outside. We sunbathed for about an hour waiting for her to dry after I washed my car. I should have taken a picture of her, she was being too cute! She kept pushing my book out of the way so she could lay her head in my lap, or rolling onto her back for a belly rub. She’s really not actually lapdog-sized, either. Don’t tell her that though, she still hasn’t figured it out. Then I spent the rest of my day resting the rest of the righteous: feet up on my desk, reading a book, and NOT working. Mmmmm… yeeeeeesss…. that was good.
Monday was a pick-up-and-get-done day: I had work and laundry to get done, and my friends came back from their year in France/Morocco/Spain so we hit Coldstone’s for some good, old-fash, overpriced specialty ice cream and free gossip. The Citrus Sunsation smoothie was surprisingly good, despite the THREE dollar price tag on a little 6 or 8 ounce cup. And they use styrofoam, I just can’t get behind that.
I work hard, my credit cards should work hard for me, too! (Yup, I’m a deadbeat! Heehee) It’s time to evaluate which of the current credit cards should be switched out for cards that will yield more consistently useful rewards. I’d not intended to keep any of the new credit cards I got (solely for the points/miles bonuses) but I suppose they’re worth keeping during the fee-free year.
[Oh my lord, I hate trying to create a table in Blogger. I give up!]
Card: Chase Free Cash Earning: 1 pt/$, for all purchases Primary Use: (wallet-worthy) “Daily” use: phone bills, purchases, medical bills, etc. Rewards redemption: Routinely $25 check for every 2500 pts
Card: Citi Driver’s Edge Points: 3 pt/$, for gas, groceries, drugstores, 1 pt Primary Use: (wallet-worthy) Gas, groceries, drugstores Rewards redemption: Use for car maintenance as necessary Card: Citi Dividend Select Earning: 2 pt/$, for utilities Primary Use: (stays home) Utilities: trash, water Rewards redemption: None yet
Card: Hilton AMEX Earning: 5 pts/$, for restaurants, cell phone Primary Use: (stays home) Restaurants (5 pts), cell phone bill (5 pts) Rewards redemption: Eventually I’ll need a Hilton Hotel room. Until then …. Card: Starwood AMEX (until 12/07) Earning: 2 pts/$, for Starwood purchases, 1 pt/$ on all other purchases Primary Use: (stays home) Large expenditures like auto insurance Rewards redemption: 20k points can be converted to 25k miles, or 10k/night at Starwood hotels
Card: CitiBizPremierPass (until 01/08) Earning: 1 pt/$ plus 1 pt/mile flown, for airfare purchased with this card Primary Use: (stays home) Airfare Rewards redemption: Just adds to the TY pts pool
I like the idea of pulling out all three cards that I carry normally and replacing them with one or two cards. The Hilton AMEX was going to be retired but I decided it can stay for the sake of the Autopay cell phone bill because I’ll need to use those Hilton points eventually. I may as well have a slow trickle feeding that pool of points until I’m ready to redeem.
The extra 1% I’m getting from the Citi Dividend isn’t really worth it, though, and while having an extra cushion of auto maintenance money from the Citi Driver’s Edge is nice, I can get 2% more and in cash from the Cash Plus card.
The Starwood card is good because it nets an extra 25% when you convert the points into miles so it may be worth keeping on just because that’s an extra 5k miles I can get on United. Depending on the saver fares available, that 25k miles can either equal one free flight (roughly equivalent to $220) or 1.66 free flights = $360.
I may just use that Starwood card for all regular and large purchases and keep the Chase card for my gas/grocery/drugstore card. I’m still reducing the cards from 3 to 2, and I wouldn’t want to carry just one credit card because it’s best to have a backup card when you charge everything like I do!
So, what’s in YOUR wallet? Do you *hustle* the credit card companies too? 😉
With the added benefit of cleaning up the overflow of aluminum cans *temporarily* stored in the backyard since 2001, I made a trip to the recycling center up the street and came out a whole $30.26 richer!
Good for the environment, good for the pocketbook! [I like the word pocketbook, it gives the impression of a book that can hold all your crap and still fit in your pocket. And seems to inherently mean there’s money in it, unlike my empty wallet.]
I’ve never actually used this sort of recycling center before but I learned that they are open 8:30-4:00 everyday. It’s a manned station, but you can either have the guy working there do your cans by volume or insert them, one by one, into the little feeder doohickey. They pay 4 cents per can or $1.75lb of sorted aluminum. They’ll take your assorted recyclables in bulk, too, but they’ll just pay you less by the pound: $1.17? I was vaguely wondering if I came out ahead doing about 17 pounds by weight or if I would have made much more going by the feeder system.
But since I had three enormous garbage bags-full, I would still be there feeding those blasted cans in one after the other. In 98 degree weather. Ugh. Oh, and the disadvantage of the singles system is that they do not accept squashed cans. Back in 2001, recycling centers still accepted squashed cans, so I had can-pucks aplenty.
That was kind of fun, now I’m eyeballing the cans in the kitchen anticipating another profitable recycling run.
In contributing to the family budget, monetarily or in terms of time devoted to searching out a better deal or a better price/package for a variety of services, I’m frequently frustrated by having to work with the non-ideal scenario that is not under my control. Today’s case is ….. auto insurance! I did the usual: research the top companies, compare the exact same quotes with the same requirements, increase the deductible to $1000 since I know I have enough in the e-fund to cover that, drop any unnecessary coverage.
BUT, the things that would really help lower the price are not options! ie: I can’t age our vehicles, unfortunately we have relatively new cars (2003, 2005). AND: I can’t improve the family’s driving record: every Ducky in the family has some dings on their driving record. BroDucky most of all it seems, but since cutting him out of the plan is not an option …
On the bright side, the credit union membership that I’d financed my car through three years ago and hadn’t gotten around to cancelling may offer an additional discount for our current company. Or …. the only representative they have is on vacation and they don’t have anyone else available to help. Drat! You know, shopping for insurance is really not fun at all! I’ve been doing it for about a month now and haven’t turned up any good deals at all. I think the only one quote that was significantly lower (about 200-300, per 6 month term) was esurance.com, but I can’t really find any sort of feedback on what kind of company they are. And I think this is really a situation where you do get what you pay for, I’m not willing to compromise that much on quality when the gains are so little.
