I started blogging about money because no one in my real life would talk about it: as many people know, it’s historically one of the more taboo subjects, topping politics, religion and even sex. This blog was an escape as well, a means of venting when I couldn’t bring myself to air dirty laundry and “betray” my family. It grew to be a great sounding board/forum, a connection to the PF blogging community, and sparked real life friendships.
I’ve answered a lot of questions about myself over the years in comments and posts but this is the compendium of more than you ever wanted to know about who and what I am. If you still have questions, feel free to let me know!
Man doesn’t exist in a vacuum, and I certainly didn’t raise myself. My biggest life challenge and influencer of life decisions to date is my family. People keep askingwhy I support them, what happened to make me the primary breadwinner, and don’t I know that I’m crazy for doing it? Like most things in life, it’s not so simple and it didn’t happen overnight. But to “sum up” as Ricky Ricardo would have you do: I always had an absolute horror that my parents would end up on the street, abandoned and ill, if I don’t/didn’t provide for them.
Here’s our story…..
In 1980, my parents escaped a war-torn homeland to give their kids a better chance in life. Like Warren Buffett, I won the genetic lottery – twice. I wasn’t born in a third world country, only because my parents chose to sacifice everything familiar for our sakes. They didn’t even know me yet! Dad spoke the language, but Mom started learning once she set foot on foreign soil, newborn baby in her arms, and not a change of clothing between them. They’d lost everything to pirates on their crossing.
In 1982, I was born. Best thing that ever happened to them. You know it’s true. 😉 Even if I did cry nonstop for 9 months.
In 1990, they’d scraped together starting capital to open their own businesses. The income went to keeping a roof over our heads, food on the table, and us in school. They even sent my brother to private school.
In 2000, they sold one business and the other failed, the bankruptcy hastened by a manager’s embezzlement during highly competive pricing wars. I had begun putting myself through college that year. Facing what I thought was a temporary rough patch, I amped up my working hours to fill in the gaps at home. That turned into a 80-work week + full course load situation for the next four years. “Just to get us through,” I thought.
In 2003, Grandma was diagnosed and bedridden with late-stage Alzheimers. She was no longer in touch with the same reality as the rest of us. Trapped in her own world, she often looked at us, and saw ghosts from her childhood. We took care of her until her death three years later. I bought a brand new car this year and paid more than I can ever admit out loud for individual car insurance. *tsk tsk* This was one of my more spectacularly poor money decisions. Refusing to stay on the family plan thinking that it made me more independent was just dumb.
In 2004, Mom was diagnosed with diabetes. After my graduation from college this year, I took a job locally instead of moving to the East Coast to pursue a career, and stayed to support them a little while longer. My new job paid for my train commute so my car essentially retired from work for the next 4.5 years.
In 2006, I started this blog under a different pseudonym. Debt repayment was a regular part of my life by this point. I was working on paying down the first $7000 of my parents’ credit card debt, and had purchased a new truck for my brother’s use. He had agreed to pay me back if I would finance it under my name. Big honkin’ HA! If that wasn’t enough, I was about to make a few more pretty big financial mistakes for my family’s sake after that.
By 2007, I had shouldered 99% of the financial responsibilities at home. I made the monumental error of lending them $20k as starting capital for a business. The bleakness in my dad’s eyes, as he reflected on his inability to earn a sufficient wage, when he asked me to make the loan was what pushed me to say yes. Around this time, I realized that 12-hour work days for the foreseeable future made zero sense considering my expertise and responsibility levels. I pushed for a major raise that my bosses agreed that I’d earned ten times over. 8 months later, my salary went up 70%.
Stress, anxiety, depression, uncontrolled diabetes + other unidentifiable health issues (like the stroke)sent Mom into a tailspin and she could no longer be left alone for fear she would hurt herself, inside or wandering outside, get horribly lost or set the house on fire. Dad served as a caretaker for Mom for the next four years, housekeeping and doing odd jobs to bring in some money while I remained responsible for bringing home the real bacon.
By 2008, I’d paid off the $20k folly, faced some hard facts about my family, and was well on my way to building a solid core of savings. I’d need it because this was the year my job became intolerable, and we were going to be laid off some time in the murky future. Job hunting began in earnest.
It’s a work in progress, and always will be because I do get the gimmes. Once upon a time I had to pinch pennies like a total Scrooge to make sure bills were paid in full, on time. Now, I’m allowed a few goodies, but I’m totally the mouse from If You Give a Mouse A Cookie so I believe in conscious spending. VERY conscious spending.
Careful money management and determination was absolutely key to maximizing my opportunities.
Now in my late 20s, I’m focused on making the best of what life serves up while building as secure a financial foundation as possible. Budgeting and maximizing income opportunities will always be part of my life because I want financial freedom.
I want to be free to make the right choices, not for the sake of money.
I had a financial conversation with a colleague recently. ’twas random, we don’t usually talk money. He was on his way to open a new account over at Wells Fargo so that he could move his money out of WAMU, and I dismissively joked that as long as he had less than $100k in there, he’d be fine. Stressed, he said that he DID have more than that in there.
Yipes! I immediately, reflexively, scolded him, and then asked, “why Wells?” After all, they’re the one bank I remember as consistently charging the most and highest fees of all the major banks. It turns out, he says, they’re one of the few banks doing relatively well.
We chatted for some time about banks, online and B&M, and I had a hard time believing that he knew nothing about online banks. He’s understandably nervous, since he apparently isn’t very financially involved, so he just wants protection for his money. I can understand wanting to protect yourself, but I cautioned him not to settle for the first thing that seems safe just because he’s desperate for safety. Also, that’s what causes bank runs!
I advised him to look at INGDirect, Emigrant Direct, HSBC Direct, and FBNO Direct to get an idea of what kinds of online banks and services are available to him.
He wanted to know how I know that ING is safe. Well, darlin’, no bank is ironclad safe, but I don’t see any evidence that ING was offering the kinds of creative, “exotic” mortgages that all the big (B&M) boys were. At least it appears they didn’t participate in the bad-debt-generating feeding frenzy, so we know that’s good. Their primary business seems to be savings vehicles like their Electric Orange and savings accounts, CDs, and basic mortgages.
After we hung up, I realized: what am I doing giving somewhat superficial financial advice to someone has actual money to worry about? My net worth is less than his small change in the bank! Good grief.
I know he started picking my brains, but I felt a tad irresponsible for not assessing the situation more properly, asking more questions, and working with some actual data before making suggestions. Who’s to say I’m ready to play with big boys’ money?
All of that got me thinking: What DO you do when you have that kind of money (in the six figures)? What should you do if you had upwards of $100k in cash at the bank? I wouldn’t imagine that it would all be cash sitting in a savings account, right? My immediate reaction would be that some of it should be locked up in some high-interest bearing CDs, and a certain amount would have to stay in liquid cash savings accounts, but what about the rest of it?
The main goals would be 1) maximizing interest earnings while 2) keeping the money as safe as possible. Both conditions would have to be fulfilled when picking banks. Part of keeping that money safe is diversifying banks so that if one fails, I still have access to money at another one that is (I hope!) still functioning. Another part of that is making sure that all assets are insured by the FDIC: this means keeping the balances below the 100k limit. Theoretically, this isn’t playing-with-stocks-money, this is all savings.
If you had $150,000 in cash, how would you divvy it up and where would it go?
I’d keep $30K in savings accounts, at ING, for emergencies. Next, ING has an 18-month CD at 4.5% APY so I’d take them up on that for $50k, leaving myself a $20k FDIC cushion. After that? I’m not sure. Another $50 would probably be stashed at ED, at 3% APY. That leaves me with $20k. Without doing more research, I’d be tempted to leave the remaining $20k at Emigrant, but I still don’t have a regular B&M in this plan. So I could leave most of that $20k at ED, and a few thousand in a checking account like my Citibank account for paying bills.
I would also consider the Charles Schwab Bank which seems to have solid financial footing right now, and very little credit losses.
If I wasn’t certain about the amounts I already had in the banks, if I wasn’t just-now divvying up and depositing my money which is a more likely scenario than suddenly finding a sack of hundreds of thousands of dollars, I would use EDIE the Electronic Deposit Insurance Estimator to determine how much I had in FDIC covered banks, and make my moves accordingly.
Whew! There’s a whole lot of work involved in managing wealth. I guess it might be true what they say: the more money you have, the more time you have to spend thinking about it. Or at least, you definitely have to have a plan if you want to protect that hard-earned money.
I was recipe hunting last night (with the help of blogging puppy) because I’ve been in the mood to cook. For the last two weeks, I’ve been all about the steak: ribeye, prime rib, Santa Maria style BBQ. That last has been on my mind ever since my dear friend surprised us with a dinner party. Yummm ….
After looking at the price of steak, however, and of the green veggies that I was craving (green beans and asparagus) I’m reconsidering the entree. I know that shrimp is just as costly per pound, but I can use less of it in each dish.
I found this positively luscious recipe over at Closet Cooking for Thai Lemon Shrimp.
Ingredients: 1 pound shrimp (shelled and deveined) 1/3 cup sweet chili sauce 1 lemon (juice and zest) 3 kaffir lime leaves (sliced, substitute lime zest) 1 teaspoon chili sauce 1 tablespoon fish sauce 3 cloves garlic (chopped) 1 teaspoon palm sugar (or brown sugar) 1/4 cup coconut milk 1/4 cup cilantro (chopped)
Directions: 1. Marinate the shrimp in the sweet chili sauce, lemon juice, lemon zest, kaffir lime leaves, chili sauce, fish sauce, garlic and sugar for 10 or more minutes. 2. Heat a pan. 3. Add the shrimp, the marinade and the coconut milk and simmer (not boil) until the shrimp are cooked, about 2-3 minutes. 4. Remove from heat and mix in the cilantro.
I swear Kevin has a positive genius for finding delectable recipes, and most helpfully suggests a substitution for the kaffir lime leaves which are a bit difficult for me to find. I think it’d be an awesome contender in the cook off in New Orleans. I love love love fresh seafood, and even more so when it’s been locally harvested in an ecologically sound manner. After all, as much as I love to feed my tummy, knowing that there will be enough for years to come is just as important.
Do you have a go-to seafood dish that you would suggest? Or have any variations on the theme that I could try? I’m open to all new ideas!
Feedburner revealed that I do not, in fact, only have five or six readers, I have a few more than that! Your secret is out, friends, you are there! And that makes me (even more) curious than I usually am about who might be reading this blog, and why I haven’t heard from many (?) of you. Even though I’ve been working at this blog for nearly two years now, I’m still excited about comments, and would like to know more about you.
If you’re lurking, please de-lurk and join the conversation!
Tell me, who are you, where are you from, why do you read this blog? What do you like about it? What would you like to see more of? What topics would engage you in conversation?
And a question that’s been on my mind: If you could give someone a windfall, funded entirely by yet another generous soul, who would you give it to? How much, and why? Would there be restrictions on the money or would it be a no-strings attached gift? Again, why?
In a few months, I’ll be 26, and have never left home. Traveled a bit, yes, spent a little time away from home, yes. Moved out for college? No. Moved away for a new job? No.
There are, of course, reasons. First and foremost, I’ve always taken my responsibility to my family to heart. It seemed the obvious choice: family in trouble? I can help? A + B = C!
Second, it was practical. So long as I was within commuting distance of work, what sense did it make to maintain a separate household? After all, I was supporting the family, and it’s only logical to conserve limited resources.
Third, it was a form of safety in numbers. BroDucky hasahistory of abusing the family’s resources, and I’m the only barrier he respects. For myself, I could work extraordinarily long hours to bring in extra money, and not have to worry about cooking for myself, grocery shopping, cleaning, home maintenance, or change for the laundromat, or living in a crappy apartment or bad neighbors, or any of the thousand and one minor details involved in living alone.
Fourth, it was my duty, wasn’t it? The essence of filial piety is to be there when needed. After all, they raised and supported, suffered and sacrificed for me for twenty odd years. More importantly, someone had to offset my bum of a brother. Since my parents had settled for two kids, I was left holding the bag.
In essence, all the reasons to stay seemed logical, practical and sensible. I could come and go as I pleased if I had time, and there was usually food in the house, and for the most part, I just paid the bills and did my thing. Sure, I thought it’d be awful nice to experience independent life, and have my own living space, and all, but it wasn’t a terrible situation, living at home, and that was a want, not a need.
But.
The past several months have really shaken my emotional balance to the core, and I’m realizing that as things just continue to deteriorate in my home, I just can’t stand it any longer.
I have to stop enabling my parents, namely my father, by subsidizing their lives while he searches for the right thing to do. Now, don’t get me wrong, he has been trying to some degree. He wasn’t sitting at home doing nothing the last several years, but he could really have done better. But, frankly, it’s only been in the last few months that he’s really set aside his pride and taken more drastic steps to produce some income. His previous approach to employment and the choices he made to be picky about some job offers were less than satisfactory to me and MaDucky, but neither of us could sway him to the sensible choice at that time. (It’s amazing how similar this situation is to my brother. Or not so amazing, really.) Now that he’s in motion, I’m trying to encourage the momentum.
Adding to the conflict is MaDucky’s health has declined, and she’s become extremely irrational, combative and accusatory. She’s forgetful and easily confused, and very shaky on her feet. She’s fallen countless times in the past few months, as PaDucky has reported back to me, and matters are further complicated by her insistence on finding a job. I’ve spoken to her at length, explaining that the only thing that’s important is her health, and that PaDucky and I would take care of the finances, but she’s so paranoid that she doesn’t trust him or his judgment, and spends most of her time accusing him of not caring about her, and blaming him for all his mistakes up to this point. Combined with her insistence that she’s “fine,” her mentality makes for very frustrating discussions because she can only focus on all his failings, and how they’ve hurt her. I understand that she’s depressed, anxious about money and more than a little mentally distraught, but her absolute deathgrip on negativity is nigh on impossible to break. She’s so tightly bound in her feedback loop of blame and anger that all she can do is drag me into the downward spiral with her, and that seriously stresses me out. Getting her to comply with the least little thing is like pulling teeth.
Between the three of them, I’ve come to the end of my rope. I simply can’t maintain my sanity when all I hear is bad news and tattling about the other family members’ behavior.
I’ve certainly been encouraged by my friends to get out, but it seemed so selfish to say that I no longer want to be here at Ground Zero because …. because I just didn’t want to. Close friends have insisted that it’s not selfish, but when my reason is simply that I just don’t want to be here anymore, it sure seems that way. There are other reasons, of course, like not wanting to sacrifice my life for my parents’ lives, not wanting to live their lives instead of mine by making decisions that are solely based on helping family and thereby eroding my own personal stability. But that sounds selfish. Friend A’s response was the only one that assuaged my guilt: No animal is meant to live with their parents forever. And besides, it’s not like I won’t still be around to help. I would just have a safe haven to retreat to at the end of the day.
So, for the first time, I’m seriously thinking about an exit strategy. It’s arguably the worst time to make this decision, yet, I can’t NOT. I don’t know where I should go, no idea when I’m planning to be out, heck, no idea if I can even stand this job much longer if Little Boss continues his madness! And despite my conviction that I always wanted to be going to something and not running away when I leave home, I feel the desperate need to do this for myself, never mind the overwhelming guilt that I’m abandoning my family, nor the feeling that I’m lacking in filial piety or humanity. And I’ve never said that before.
1. I’m boycotting Christmas gift shopping this year as I’ve been more than overwhelmed with recent events.
2. I’m confused about my standing in the office. I usually have a decent rapport and line of communication with Little Boss, but reflecting on my sort-of review a few months ago, I realize that not much has changed since we had our last sitdown. He felt I wasn’t fulfilling what he sees as the responsibilities of his second in command (a position I don’t officially hold). The reason ticked me off.
He’s never laid out the terms of what those responsibilities are because he thinks that they’re “obvious.” He says they were when he was in that position supporting his first in command. Obvious? Hmph! What? I should think NOT. I can accept that he and I didn’t see eye to eye, but not telling me what he wants and then chastising me for not doing it is just wrong. During the past year, lest you think I was being a slacker, I was managing the daily activities of 3-5 staffers because he was too busy, and because that was my perception of what obviously needed doing.
This isn’t a relationship, this is a job. Assisting Little Boss is a job; what I was officially hired for is a job. If you have expectations for a position, you have to tell me what they are. I’m not in the business of reading anyone’s mind, not even BoyDucky’s, but even less so in my workplace.
I told him that I only wanted the position if I could fulfill the responsibilities well, but I can’t do that if he expects me to just read his mind and/or guess. Jobs aren’t based on instinct! Since then, I haven’t had any substantive feedback, nor a response to whether or not he thinks mentoring is worth the trouble, or if he’s just written me off as a dead-end, ambitionless staffer. In other words, have I been slow-tracked?
So we’re going to have to have another talk.
3. At some point, I need to sell the truck. Maybe look into a cheap, used car as a third vehicle for the family. It’ll be in my name so if anything happens, I can do something about it. I need to take my brother off the family insurance as well.
4. Car insurance shopping: I need to do that during my break.
5. Renter’s insurance: ditto.
6. Holy crap! I have to plan a bachelorette party for ONE WEEK from now. I’d told the other ‘maids that I was turning responsibility over to them but I haven’t heard anything since. *sigh* See? This is why I become a micro-manager! Ok, I’ll just check in with them first, and see if they’re already talking about what to do. Then I’ll freak out, if I have to.
7. Ditto the holy crap, for the local bridal shower.
8. I’d like to take a day trip. Just … something fresh, easy, fun, and quiet. Something that has nothing to do with every-crazy-thing that’s been going on, to refresh my spirit.
9. I’ll take a day with a litter of puppies, though. Puppy breath is the BEST.
Confrontations: My brother took the car, seeking permission from my enabling father instead of me, on Thursday. I’ve had it out with both my parents for their enabling behavior and finally got a hold of my brother today to give him a piece of my mind for his selfish, thoughtless behavior. I’m taking away his car keys this time, like I should have last time. I’ve also taken away my parent’s keys. How has my family life come to this??
Discoveries: I can probably bid on a one or two year subscription to the Wall Street Journal on ebay and NOT spend $100 on it. The seller requires at least a 30 day history on ebay and have positive feedback due to “non-payers.” I have no recollection of using ebay to purchase anything, but because I had ordered books on half.com 6 years ago, that history translates to ebay! Turns out I have a 6 year history on ebay and 100% positive feedback. NICE. That’s useful IF I win this auction. In the meantime, the website has a pop-up offering me a two-week free online subscription.
Also, I found a stock-conversations friend. Never had one of those before. It’s all very new, but it was good motivation to finally bite the bullet and start investing a little. It’s not that I’ve done all I can with regards to the “less technical” (as I see it) personal finance, it’s just time to expand my horizons. My eyes did start crossing a bit when the conversation got more technical than I’m accustomed to: dividends, divestitures, equity …. oy! My understanding of how stocks work is still shaky. Time to do some research.
Delivery: My ETS check came in the mail on Saturday! +$98! Will have to put that into the Expense account, though. Projected expenses through the end of the year are higher than I’d originally expected.
Acquisition: All the doomsday predictions about Comic Con selling out their 4-day passes even earlier this year got to me. I bought my pass.
Difficulty: BoyDucky’s father took yet another turn for the worse this weekend.
