June 20, 2022

Living in the time of pandemic: COVID-19 (107)

Year 3 of COVID in the Bay Area.

Year 3, Day 87: 530 am.

Cycling through pain, fatigue, brain fog, brain fog, fatigue, and pain in quick succession for the ten days has given me the chance to more closely judge which is the worst. For reference, being tired is being out of breath for a few minutes. Being fatigued feels like 50 lb weights attached to every limb and another 100 lbs of sandbags on my shoulders. Pain is like getting speared in every limb and/or joint, repeatedly, with a few twists thrown in for good measure. Brain fog is like a cotton stuffed head that you can’t think through or around.

In order, worst to least worst: Fatigue, brain fog, pain.

At least with pain, as crappy as that is, I can still make myself do things. It doesn’t often make the pain worse long term, just short term as I strain whatever’s being forced to work. I can’t do that with brain fog or fatigue. Powering though definitely makes the fatigue exponentially worse. So that answers an idle question I’ve had for years.

Caveat: this is applicable to mild to moderate pain only, and generally it’s rare for me to have only one symptom. Today it’s moderate pain so I can physically push through but with a side of brain fog so planning anything is futile. I am a lot of fun.

Now where do I please sign up for D: none of the above.

*****

I’ve been deeply unsettled over the likelihood of having a run in with my biodad at a family event scheduled for later this year. For the past five years, we’ve enjoyed family holidays to which he was not invited, by my request, but his invitation is not revocable for this particular thing. I understand that part. They’ve supported me well during this period but this is on the level of a family reunion, so even as much as I’d like to be sure we won’t see him, I can’t be. We’ve discussed this with JB and I’ve discussed with my therapist a lot. I’m still mad at him. I’m still bitter about all the shit he pulled, all the lies he told, all the money he stole, and the bonus attempts at manipulation after he was cut off. I’m not ready to forgive and I’m never going to forget who he really was. Now, we are approaching this event with the aim of personal safety (masked, outdoors, vaxxed guests only) and personal comfort. We’ll go for as long as we can with the kids and their needs, I figure at best we’ll be there for two hours. If he does attend, I have no intention of engaging. My preference would be for us to ignore each other completely. I certainly have no intention of introducing him to Smol Acrobat. I don’t know that he knows about them but he’s most definitely not holding my kid. Smol Acrobat wouldn’t want to be held by a stranger anyway. (more…)

June 13, 2022

Living in the time of pandemic: COVID-19 (106)

Year 3 of COVID in the Bay Area.

Year 3, Day 80: 1045 pm, 330 am, 530 am wake ups. 😒 On the one hand, toddler just wants hugs. On the other hand, why can’t those hugs wait until actual daytime?Especially since I’m solo all day with them. 😵 I told PiC not to rush back since dun dun dunnnnn JB’s started summer camp today! (And he’s got to pick them up, it’s more on his way than not.)

He couldn’t be back in time to be help at the time I’d need a hand anyway, his meetings conflict. So it’s best for him to just do as much work as he can while he’s on site and he can run some errands on the way back. I did a VERY short Costco run with Smol the other day and was very uncomfortable with the number of unmasked people there. As a percentage, it was low, but the place was more crowded than I had hoped so we ran in and ran out with only exactly the things I remembered we needed.

So we vacuumed a lot, went for a walk (terrible walk, they wanted to be carried half the time and that’s not the point!), played in the garage a bit, played with a few toys, and had two snack times. They were terribly upset when I wouldn’t haul out the heaviest of the vacuum attachments. Life is full of disappointment, I know.

They are understanding a lot more words (today: ate more cheese when I told them to eat more cheese), but still aren’t speaking. They articulate lots of sounds and babble but no actual words. Our check up is this week so we can talk to the pediatrician about this. JB was slow to speak too, I’m really hoping Smol Acrobat won’t require speech therapy. It can be arranged but it’ll be so much harder with COVID.

***** (more…)

June 6, 2022

Living in the time of pandemic: COVID-19 (105)

Year 3 of COVID in the Bay Area.

Year 3, Day 73: 1 am and 515 am wake up.

It’s the US Memorial Day holiday so we all actually have the day off. We also have my most trusted relative in town and I cannot even begin to tell you what a relief it is to have a responsible trustworthy adult we get on well with here. Having an extra hand with the kids is breathtaking. Having someone that the kids RUN to, squealing, because they adore them? Absolutely priceless. Remember, Smol doesn’t take to just anyone at the best of times. Having someone they will equally go to for hugs and carrying, for playing or comfort, is such a huge help. I normally can’t nap during the day, I fight it because I don’t want to ruin my night sleep but also because my body doesn’t want to relax enough to fall asleep in the first place. After a long morning outside with the kids and doing some much needed yard maintenance, I passed out after lunch. It was WEIRD. But good. I needed that badly.

It also means that a flood of chores that we haven’t had the brainpower to nail down got done. Which also happens to mean more spending. 😬

*****

Smol took 2 naps totaling five hours today, are we doomed for night sleep?

Year 3, Day 74: 515 am. I suppose we ought to be grateful that wasn’t 415 am given yesterday’s naps!

*****

With JB spending the morning with their auntie, and Smol conked out hard, I was able to catch up on everything that had piled up from Friday. There was also a moment of relief in there that if I can work when I’m working and parent when I’m parenting, instead of both hats constantly at the same time, I can actually be a human instead of a simmering pot of volcanic frustration. (more…)