December 20, 2021

Living in the time of pandemic: COVID-19 (81)

Year 2 of COVID in the Bay Area.

Year 2, Day 274: I’m a shambling mess today. Wait that implies an ability to move. Scratch that. Just a mess, then. The combo of the cold and then the booster trying to teach my immune system to do a thing has produced an internal storm of fatigue, full body aches, nausea chills and hot flashes that may be fever except I’m too beat to check to see. I took the day off because I couldn’t sit up and alternately shivered and sweated it out while PiC held down the fort. Absolutely misery. He’s a champ considering he also didn’t feel well at all and still he kept all the kids alive, fed, safe and warm when I couldn’t lift a finger to save myself. He should be the standard for partners, not the exception.

*****

It looks like my official CFS diagnosis is recorded after all. I wasn’t sure but the doc confirmed today that I fit all the parameters. She suggested a number of mitigation strategies that mainly add up to “work with the little you have instead of wishing for more or acting like you can power through because that’ll make it worse.”

And ok that makes sense but also I hate it.

Sigh.

So I have to consider getting a wearable to teach my heart rate to see if that helps inform my daily activity choices. Often CFS folks will see their heart rate spike when they’re overdoing it. I have to think about whether I want to try an off label medication that seems to help about 25% of patients with both pain and fatigue. But mostly I have to accept working within my limitations so that I don’t always run on empty which will make the CFS worse.

Year 2, Day 275: I’m … Less terrible today. I’m at this kitten’s level of strength.

Luckily PiCs been chugging along doing his AND my share of chores: cooking all meals, cleaning, picking and dropping off JB at school, walking, minding Smol in between naps. We’d be doomed if not for him.

But I can tell the rest is helping, slowly but surely. I’m still miserable but it’s not as bad as it was yesterday and maybe won’t be as bad tomorrow. I hope our fresh boosters mean we have really solid protection against omicron. I just have to play a firm defense for Smol Acrobat since they have zero protections.

*****

Oh good news: JB is fully vaxxed!! Yay protection for one kid!

Come on vaccines for the under 5 and under 2 groups!!

Year 2, Day 276: I had a huge disappointment with a work project today and I had to rant about it a bit. It’s going to have a big impact on me and my team and I am just too tired to rally right now. So I’m going to schedule in a break before I tackle it again.

Year 2, Day 277: Had an absolutely awful physical and mental health day today. They fed into each other and I found my brain chasing its tail down the well worn corridors of: you’re physically useless so you’re just a burden (the number of times I heard that word from a relative…), I fight every day to do my best and my best still isn’t good enough so why should I keep fighting. I found myself in that unbelievably angry and bitter place in short order, set off by the smallest of remarks. It was rough.

I managed to remind myself that when I hurt the most physically, I feel the most vulnerable emotionally, and that’s when I feel like I must go on the attack against myself so that others can’t hurt me again. If I tear myself down first, no one else can hurt me the same way.

It’s familiar but it’s not healthy and it took some hours to work through.

*****

Hello, wall of planning paralysis. I’d normally be much more ready for the holidays by this time in the month but I lost so much time to illness and fatigue that my spirit has given up on trying to get to the normal level of readiness. I skipped designing, ordering, and mailing holiday cards entirely, that cut out one huge swath of time sink but the remaining tasks are Herculean. For all the niblings I won’t be seeing this year, I should have gotten their cards in the mail two weeks ago. I haven’t even put them in envelopes today!

Year 2, Day 278: I’ve been working from bed all week to conserve energy and my butt is ten kinds of numb. I really need a better pillow support system / set up. Something that supports my back and neck when I’m sitting more straight up and allows support to move with me when I have to slide down.

JB gets out of school REALLY early today and thankfully PiC has arranged his schedule to mostly be off so that he can cover the children and let me work and get caught up on my ridiculous backlog of work that built up over the past 3 weeks of me being totally off my game.

I went from intense working mode into full holiday prep mode and by 8 pm, right about when I had intended to go back to work and clear up some more work, it hit me that I am so very very tired.

*****

I thought I’d read this elsewhere but happened across it on AITA again recently and had to laugh how spot on this is: the narcissist’s prayer.

“That didn’t happen! And if it did, it wasn’t that bad. And if it was, that’s not a big deal. And if it is, it wasn’t my fault. And if it was, I didn’t mean it. And if I did, you deserved it.”

:: Hope you had a great weekend!

December 13, 2021

Living in the time of pandemic: COVID-19 (80)

Year 2 of COVID in the Bay Area.

Year 2, Day 267: Possibly my least favorite thing about the responsibilities parenting right now is doing the night time floss and brush with JB. They whine so much. But we must because the dentist says we must and while I might naysay most anyone else, I will comply with dentist’s orders like whoa. I love going to the dentist and I want to always love going to the dentist, I don’t ever want to walk in there with guilt and shame over having neglected my kid’s teeth. PiC does a lot of those too but I feel more responsible since he already does most of the kid night time routines.

*****

Everyone is sick today. 🤢 Even Sera is sneezing her head off!! Smol is spiking a fever, JB and PiC are leaky faucets, I feel wrung out and drained to the dregs (which is also normal for me too but in a sick way this time).

The only good thing is when I administered the first dose of ibuprofen to Smol for the fever, braced for baby war, they relaxed and didn’t fight every microliter like the last time they were feverish. I don’t know if this was a fluke but I hope they’ve developed a taste for the medicine enough so we don’t have to battle it out every time.

*****

I am hoping I fixed the dishwasher leak problem. PiC noticed it was leaking during a cycle the other day and I wondered if it was a seal problem. Wiped the whole thing clean with vinegar and discovered that HELLO there was a screw loose in the casing that was preventing the door from sealing. It also damaged the seal but I’m hoping that small tear isn’t enough to cause leaks.

Year 2, Day 268: Huzzah, Smol will take their medicine without flipping out!! Thank everything. I wonder if it’s because I upgraded to a bigger and better syringe or if it’s just because they’re older, don’t feel as terrible as last time, and the taste isn’t new. Whatever it is, I’m grateful every single time I dose them.

*****

We all feel like some version of garbage today. Of course JB remains full of energy and Tigger bounces around despite their symptoms. I’m grateful to yesterday me for poaching chicken breast to make broth. That broth plus rice became warm breakfast chao ga. 8 year old me would be aghast that I served rice porridge for breakfast, I used to hate that. But everyone here today was happy with their breakfast. Hint: remember to take zinc AFTER eating. Before makes all the food taste terrible!

We did the most sloth-slug possible version of parenting today. We traded childminding every one or two hours as usual. For his off time, PiC passed out on the ground. The kids and I watched the robot vacuum, me quietly taking satisfaction in having the grit removed from our floors, them slightly concerned about the possibly sentient being.

We went outside for a breath of fresh air. I’ve been trying to get them out for walks midday, today was an extremely abbreviated jaunt.

It was my turn to work after I sent Smol to Sleepytown part 2. I decided in favor of self preservation and stopped after I cleared the most time critical work. JB built a nest for me and waited by the bedside until I went to lay down. They read the rest of the time. PiC was still miserably sick but went out (masked of course) to pick up the provisions that we had so unfortuitously ran out of. It was a hot and sour soup kind of sick day. Hot and sour soup feels like it burns out some of the sick. Of course it doesn’t but the numbing effect is appreciated.

I dosed everyone with ibuprofen, Zarbee’s, or Robitussin and sent everyone to bed early.

Year 2, Day 269: Another weird day as everyone continues to feel cruddy.

Smol was grumpy half the day but oddly cheerful intermittently so they must not feel so bad. They, bless all the things, continue to take their medication happily so that’s one less fight.

*****

I sorted a medium load of laundry and got that running. Even when I’m feeling run down, I’m so grateful that I can take dirty clothes, put them in a machine, then put them in another one, and they get cleaned and dried. Growing up, I spent time out in the countryside where all the washing was done by hand and I never again took our luxury of a washing machine and dryer for granted. Even if I don’t put them away right away, it also makes life so much easier to have some clean socks, underwear, masks, and a few shirts somewhere.

*****

YAY I just sold the last of the Snoo swaddles. PiC had commented that he’d have thrown them all into a bundle for $30 and unloaded them in one go. I therefore took that as a silent challenge to make this worth my while. In the end, I made $76 after fees! Woo! My way was slow but it was worth it! Because I more than doubled the amount he would have randomly listed it for. 😉

Year 2, Day 270: I thought I’d feel better today but I was dizzy half the morning through a very important meeting where I had to look and sound coherent. Awesome. Really love that.

*****

We had registered for the state’s Brace and Bolt program a couple years ago but they gave us such a short timeline, at a really bad time for us, to get the work done that I had to let it expire. The program opened up again recently and after three reminders, I decided to just submit our application again this year just to see if we get approved again next year.

*****

I bumble along best I can when I’m sick, trying to learn to pace myself better and take breaks when it doesn’t feel like there’s any room in the day to take breaks. If I don’t, my whole body will fall apart. Once I’m sick, it sets off a cascade effect with my fibro pain so not only do I get the fun viral stuff (sore throat, runny nose, cough, fatigue), I also get intense joint and muscle pain every single time. Woo. I’m learning, though. I’ve been getting by on the bare minimum this week so the pain is a little less intense. My wrists couldn’t bear weight yesterday, which is just perfect when you’ve got a little one crawling about, but fighting my urge to force myself to power through means today, that particular pain is less intense than it would normally be. Other aches pop up, and again, I focus on doing the best I can to rest and doing my best not to fret about it. Fretting doesn’t help and it actually probably makes the pain part worse. I do whine though. Grumble grumble whine.

*****

JB read to Smol for bedtime tonight, and then asked me to listen to them read for their bedtime. They don’t often want me for bedtime reading, they strongly prefer PiC and I’m usually so tired I just roll with it but I’m trying not to miss these small moments so I go and sit with them before bed.

Year 2, Day 271: I’m laying on the floor to write this at the end of Friday night so that gives a general idea of the state of things.

A miserable Smol is in bed. JB will be soon. I hope to be very very soon.

Smol no longer takes their medicine without a screaming (them) fight/struggle (both of us). 😔 This is no good.

It’s also gotten ice cold this week and that doesn’t feel so great in combination with my worn out state. So this is the boo hoo section. Moving on…

*****

Taking a moment to be so grateful for our community who pitches in when a friend is in need. My head has been congested and splitting all week so Abby kindly assisted with getting the message out and our people stepped up. We bought our friend a little breathing space and a safe place to stay for a few more days while they regroup and figure out next steps. Some offered assistance with job hunting and that may be useful soon, we’ll find out. It’s amazing how a community can lift one another up if we’re willing to make the effort. (The irony of that metaphor as I lay on the ground tickles.)

*****

I’ve finally wrapped almost all the holiday gifts that I had ready. I still need to figure out what’s going on with my sewing machine because I wanted to whip up a quick blanket for JB from the remaining project fleece I’d bought. I only have a few more days to do that before I’m out of time for such things. I hope I have the energy to do that this weekend. We have our boosters scheduled for the weekend and that could really upend all the plans.

:: I hope your holiday plans are bringing more joy than stress?

December 6, 2021

Living in the time of pandemic: COVID-19 (79)

Year 2 of COVID in the Bay Area.

Year 2, Day 260: Shifting back to normal school and work mode after a long holiday weekend and having a helpful person around is, in my professional opinion, YUCK.

*****

I’ve been rotating through four pairs of sweatpants for a solid year, day and night, because they’re so warm and comfy why would I wear anything else? I only put on real pants to take JB to school. Sometimes. Sweats are real.

We’re going to see people for the holidays and I’m not looking forward to the need to look like I give two hoots about how I look but I should probably get a pair of jeans that aren’t ripped clear across the leg? The last pair I bought was seven years ago and they’re in a pretty shabby state. I do have a smart looking pair of grey corduroy pants that I’d just get a duplicate of in another color but these dandy things are even older than my jeans and aren’t available anymore. Alas. (PiC thinks my pants being older than JB makes them OLD. I say they’re still young until we hit the 20s.)

I spent all day with a vague sense of missing sales but the few things we need weren’t available (pants for me, though I didn’t bother searching more than two stores) or aren’t on sale (the Le Crueset enameled cast iron frying pan because we’re sick of the waste of nonstick pans that don’t last) anyway.

On principle, I was tempted to shop more small businesses but that would be gratuitous right now. We just spent a small fortune at a small business for our anniversary gift.

I’ve been working on gifting and visiting logistics for the upcoming holidays and have a three page checklist in play now. Before any of that socializing can happen, though, JB has to get their second vaccine, PiC and I will need to get our boosters, and even Sera will need a flu booster since there’s dog flu outbreak going on. Only Smol Acrobat may dodge the needles this month, though I can’t be certain whether they’re due for anything routine soon.

I’m crossing my entire body like a pretzel hoping large vaccine trials for the under 5 and under 2 sets (they’re being tested separately) yield solid data SOON.

Year 2, Day 261: Smol miraculously slept 11 hours! But my brain fog, oohhh my brain fog today, so thick, it felt impossible to think around.

My first sign it wasn’t going to be a great day was when I started making breakfast and stopped a split second before I cracked all the eggs into the compost bin. At least it was before. I’ve done this before and only caught myself after a few eggs.

I’ve been holding on to a prescription of meds to take as needed, intermittently, for fatigue. Through the fog, I reasoned that this inability to think, this feeling like my brain is stuffed full of cotton, MAY be related to fatigue? Hell, it’s worth a shot. I tried my first, very low, dose. I didn’t notice much change in the first half hour but it seemed to lift a bit of the fog enough so I could clear a few things off my desk.

(more…)