Massive climate change report: probably no surprise at all that this was released a month early, on Black Friday, when it would garner the least attention
As a parent who manages kid-free unattached staff and covers for them days nights, weekends and holidays as they need to care for their family or personal needs, as a person with chronic pain who never calls out unless it’s dire crippling pain and even then I don’t want to ask them to cover, I find these parent-coworkers enraging. What terrible selfish people!
Nnedi wanted to give Fwadausi Bello of this terrible story an alternative ending of triumph.
Thank goodness for this federal judge: A federal judge on Tuesday blocked a Mississippi state law that sought to forbid most abortions after 15 weeks of pregnancy, writing a sharply worded opinion with implications for states weighing similar measures. Furthermore, he called the Legislature’s professed interest in women’s health “pure gaslighting,” pointing to evidence of the state’s high infant and maternal mortality rates. “Its leaders are proud to challenge Roe but choose not to lift a finger to address the tragedies lurking on the other side of the delivery room, such as high infant and maternal mortality rates,” he wrote in a footnote.
I didn’t know any of this about Billie Holiday’s life and death.
A. I don’t like giving feedback, it feels confrontational.
B. I shouldn’t have to give you feedback or tell you what I’m thinking. You’re my right hand, you should already know.
C. Why are you doing [what you thought was your job], you’re not responsible for that! You need to be doing [some other thing you were never informed of]!
These are just a few of the gems delivered by Past Terrible Managers in my Past Work Life.
Bad managers drive me more than a little bit ’round the bend. Not all managers became managers because they were actually good at managing people, they were usually promoted for doing their own job well. When that happens, either they learn how to do it well, or you get a dingleberry of a supervisor and that’s just bad times.
As a manager, past and present, giving feedback to staff, or really anybody, without either feeling or being confrontational is such a necessary skill. If you need someone to change, they need to KNOW that you need them to change! Relying on strategy C above is such nonsense.
I understand that delivering criticism feels fraught, it’s not always comfortable, and empathetic people who have had bad experiences on the receiving end of feedback don’t want to perpetuate that cycle. That does not relieve you of a key aspect of your duty as a manager.
When a manager tells me they just don’t want to give feedback, I often ask if they enjoy being irritated, resented and subpar. Because that’s the situation they’re setting up: their employee will continue to do things wrong, this will reflect badly on the employee and reflect badly on you. Also, it’s likely that the tolerance of poor performance by that employee will have a sinking effect on morale for the rest of the team.
And conversely, what would it be like to be the hapless employee who doesn’t know they’re doing things wrong or inefficiently, and catching flak for something they don’t even realize is a problem? Don’t be that jerk boss who sows confusion, induces anxiety, and breeds resentment!
As I said, this is a learned skill. I didn’t come by it naturally, especially since I’m both introverted and at least a little anti-social.
So, how do I give constructive feedback?
1. I treat feedback sessions as conversations.
This isn’t intended as a confrontation but girding yourself for a battle almost certainly turns it into one. Be prepared, just don’t assume it has to be that difficult.
First time offenses? I ask them to explain to me how and why they’re doing X so that I understand where they’re coming from. It’s possible that they’ll identify a weakness in the existing protocol, or the training documentation. In other words, this could be a learning opportunity for me too.
After I solicit some perspective from them, if it doesn’t change my mind, then I explain what we need them to do and why.
Repeat offenses, if the thing is non-negotiable? I remind them of previous conversations, and ask what, if anything, is preventing them from performing their duties as asked. This is not permission to stand their ground, this is checking whether I need to be doing another aspect of my job: removing barriers to their performance. Reiterate that I need them to do it this way, and follow up as needed.
2. Understand that your goal is improvement, not chastisement.
Even if they’re on a PIP, the end goal is improvement of the work situation, whether that’s ultimately a firing or a mediocre employee understanding what’s really needed from them and turning a corner.
When frustrated by an undesirable outcome, I’ve seen managers rage and rant at their staff. What’s the point? That intimidates some, irritates others, but rarely ever produces results. Besides, it’s rude and disrespectful. Respect goes both ways and is more easily lost than earned.
3. Take the emotion out of it.
This is about the job, remain professional. It’s not your feelings or their feelings or likes or dislikes or any of that other stuff. It’s not personal. That doesn’t mean be a robot! It just means don’t derail the conversation. Focus on the thing you want improved and find a way to fix it. If someone is causing a problem, then figure out a way to fix that but don’t make it personal.
No one benefits from going several rounds in the blame game.
There’s no magic bullet, and I’m not the perfect manager, but I try to address my weaknesses. The least we can do is help people do the same. After all, it’s your job.
:: What ridiculous things have you heard from management? :: What did you love in a good manager?
A few weeks back I finally tried out Bloglines and as a reader, I love it for the convenience of knowing when someone has updated. As a blogger, though, I wonder if the convenience of Bloglines or any other blog aggregator has any negative effect on the responses from the readers? I’ve a small handful of subscribers (yay!) but I don’t know how long you’ve been subscribers and if that encourages you to drop by more often or speak up less? Do you find that you comment more or less when you use a feed aggregator? Have you experienced a drop or increase in dialogue on your blogs?
It’s been a rough week for me medically, I’ve been totally miserable.
BUT!
Thanks to everyone’s help (here, Bluesky, Mastodon, email regulars), early last week, I placed a BIG second set of orders to feed 10 more families for more than 1 week. We’ve been tracking the TWENTY EIGHT shipments. Most have arrived, a few went astray so we’re following up on the ones needing to be reshipped, and the weirdness w/the PO claiming they couldn’t deliver when the front step was right there where it always is(!!), etc. My contact, D, has been game through all of it. He’s fielding these hundreds of lbs of pantry and canned foods to organize and distribute to the Red Shirt community. He’s working on getting it all organized and confirming receipt of everything before he distributes.
He’s sent a few pictures, and it’s looking good!
I have a *little* money left to send a few more essentials but I have to let him get this distributed first, I don’t want to break him! I’d love if we could get them through the winter but I know fall has only started. Still, getting their pantries full for a couple-few weeks is meaningful and I couldn’t have done this without y’all. I’m waiting to make sure everything gets to the destination before I share our total food buys <3
Year 7, Day 139: We’ve cobbled together a semblance of a routine. I drop off SmolAc, he drops off JB. I wade through my to do list, chores or desk work, until it’s noon and I’ve forgotten to eat lunch but too late now! It’s time to mosey out the door for SmolAc pick up. When we get back, I feed SmolAc a snack and we fill the time one way or another. We head back out two or three hours later to pick up JB, depending on the time they get out and where they’re meeting us. We have two different pickup locations and three different pickup times.
The one constant is how exhausted I am by 3 or 4 pm. Sometimes by 1 pm. I feel like I should still be taking JB to their after school sport like I always did 2 days a week but PiC has taken that over since school started. It’s not even in me to put up a token protest. I’m so tired that half the time, after we get back from picking up JB, I have to put myself to bed. Sometimes it’ll be because I spent the between pickups time cooking. Sometimes it’ll be because I did so many chores in the post dropoff chunk of time. Some days it’s because I was in so much pain the night before, sleep was impossible.
Today it was getting called in as emergency contact auntie to pick up a friend’s kiddo who was sick and we brought them home to keep them safe, fed, and occupied until their parents got home from work. I’m very grateful we have this ability to help out and I’m also very very tired. But I’m so tired every single day.
Except some days if we can make it to the library. On those days, the kids can craft for a few hours and enjoy the library and sitting up doesn’t feel too hard. But that’s more like good luck than anything else.
I can’t suss the amount of energy I’ll be allowed each day, this is not the first nor the last time I’ll wish I had a health meter bar installed like I’m a video game character, because it sure would help when I’m dropping in my tracks and wondering why. I’m pretty sure I used to last later through the day because my butt was firmly parked for 4-6 hours a day, not just 1-3.
Year 7, Day 140: I’m full of sadness and anticipatory dread today. I started the day a bit sad, just generally. Then getting the kids out the door didn’t feel like the relief it usually does. I had to untangle a lot of tangles at work and am taking big deep breaths over the many ways that the parent company is torpedoing our quality. I knew they would be doing that and had accurately predicted how and where they would cut corners. Having it actually happen shouldn’t be any kind of a surprise and yet it sits badly in my gut. We have several more weeks, and I don’t know how I’m going to stand it.
Chatting to a friend today was really sad. Their kid is going through a severe depression and the parents need more adult support in those gaps when neither parent can be home. That’s where I come in. We’re scheduling days and times where I’ll be picking up and minding their kid when they are at work. What a terrible weight they’re carrying right now, my heart breaks for all of them.
Year 7, Day 141: Are the Google docs and sheets apps cursed now? They keep refusing to open important files and telling me to check my internet connection and permissions. Having created the docs, I do darn well have permission! And I can do everything else that requires an Internet connection so what gives?? /grump
Oh and another thing on an entirely different subject. I think I might be a fool. I might have been PEMSing myself ever since school started. And it took a MONTH for it to even occur to me.
I’m trying to ease the tasks on PiC’s plate while he’s the one with a job that extends past this fall so far as we know and it’s really stressing him out. Both the fact that he’s the primary breadwinner for an unknown span of time and because the stress of the work itself is so much worse than before (several rounds of layoffs later).
We flipped from 90/10 him/me on meal planning and prep to 20/80 him/me. My meal prep is much more labor intensive since I’m cooking from scratch and even occasionally remembering to make veggie sides. I’m doing all the after school pickups and the after kinder care, the trash bins (out and back again) and the gardening. It doesn’t sound like a ton but it’s significantly more than I’d been doing. Then, usually late at night, I make myself do as much of a workout as I can so that I can check off the exercises boxes. I’m paying for a trainer, those assignments need to get done!
It’s been weeks of dragging myself through the day until I literally cannot anymore and have to lay down. Then, more dragging. It’s infuriating.
Almost accidentally, I gave myself the past two days in a row off from working out, which I have not done since July and … errrr. I lasted til dinnertime tonight. I was tired but not catastrophically pass out against my will tired like every single day for the past month. Crap. I think I did this to me.
Year 7, Day 142: Testing my theory again yesterday, I did only 1 set per exercise instead of pushing myself to do all 2 or 3 or 4 sets. My PEMs was distinctly lower today. Argh! I have to roll back the exercise. I’ve emailed my trainer.
I was browsing Costco.com and noticed their P&G offer good until Sept 20. We can get a $25 Costco Shop Card for things we bought last week. Score! For a second $100 of spending, we’d get another $35 card. I’m checking other receipts to see if there’s anything that fills that second hundred.
Update: I submitted the first receipt with $130 of P&G items only for them to say there weren’t $100 worth of qualified items. 🙄 I’m going to have to highlight these things for them, aren’t I?
Year 7, Day 143: Welp a decade later, we find ourselves back in the casting room at the local hospital. Back then, it was their nursemaid’s elbow. Today, JB took a bad step and their foot is in a cast for a month. The sports medicine floor is really poorly designed for kids who have these kinds of injuries. I saw at least four of them in similar situations just walking in, but they made us traverse the whole floor about 4 times. Insurance coverage is something to be thankful for. Our visit, three X-rays and a cast would have cost (TBD). Still waiting for the billing to be posted.
We paid $35.
The middle school secretaries have this down pat, so within minutes of our arrival with the doctor’s note they’d already arranged for JB to have extra time to hobble from one class to the next and all the other things they had to arrange for their late arrival, for pickup and drop-off and other bits and bobs for the next month.
Middle school is coming up like a freight train and it’s all we can do to keep just ahead of the cowcatcher. I’ve got the bell schedule written down and I’m working out what that means for my presumptions about my schedule. I’ll be doing an early pickup for kindergarten, and then a couple hours later doing a second pickup after middle school lets out. PiC has been organizing the walking routes for the kids and setting up walking buddies for JB. I’m not ready for any of it, nor are they, but we’ll have to ride it out no matter how we feel.
Life with Smol Acrobat
SmolAc has started eating more foods and whining less about it in recent months. They used to hate all forms of potatoes that aren’t french fries; they couldn’t handle any hint of spice; even pizza wasn’t a sure thing with them some days.
This month they willingly enjoyed a meal that they would have scorned 3 months ago: Costco tritip (the very occasional treat), a baked potatoes and roasted potatoes, steamed broccoli. 3 months ago, they would only have eaten the broccoli and whined about the rest, this month they are all of it and said it was good! They’re willing to test the seasoned and crusted tilapia, where they wouldn’t have even touched it before. It’s still too spicy for them but they keep coming back to try it now and again.
This does mean that it’s getting more expensive to feed the family. We used to get by on fish night with 3 tilapia and 2 salmon fillets. Now I think we need 6-7 total fillets for everyone to be full. It’s getting to be more than the toaster oven can handle in one go so I’ll have to plan a little more in advance. Fish nights are the easiest because prep is so fast. Someday I should learn to roast whole fish properly, they feed more people.
Pupdate
My internal debate: I don’t know if it would be responsible or irresponsible to adopt a dog while I’m out of work (financially) but when else am I going to have this much time to transition and train a newbie?
I’ve been gently perusing the available dogs at local rescues and telling myself “not before November” as a rough guideline for when we’d hopefully have settled into a new school routine for both kids and would then have the attention to pay to a newcomer. SmolAc has been asking for a dog, and it breaks my heart all over again because most recently they asked PiC: but aren’t Seamus and Sera coming back?
Have they just been quietly waiting for their dogs to come back all this time?
It might be unhelpful that I’ve kept their bed at the foot of ours all this time, I couldn’t bear to put it away, nor did I put away their bowl tray.
Precious Moments
Uncle: This costs $55. Did you save your money for this?
SmolAc: No.
Uncle: Are you going to start?
SmolAc, very solemnly: No, I only have one dollar. I cannot spend my one dollar.
*****
SmolAc Explains the Rules: you can only do tumble if you can tumble very goodly and if you can tumble very goodly then you can do backward tumble.
*****
SmolAc: Mommy, this doesn’t say Start!
Me: It does, it says “Empieza aqui!” That means Start Here in Spanish.
SmolAc: It does!? What does this say?
Me: Completado! It means Completed!
SmolAc: Oh, so it says start AND finish. Wow, you DO know a lot.
It’s been a rough week for me medically, I’ve been totally miserable.