Year 3, Day 136: 6:20 am, drat. The sleep is creeping in the wrong direction again.
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My return to work was a depressing crash landing into stressing about too much to do. It was less about the work and more about the volume of everything.
I have to: do all my work in a limited amount of time; mind Smol Acrobat most of the day before and after their ONE nap; help JB (who still has another several days home before school starts) with any tech arrangements needed for their tutoring refresher courses that I set up; follow up on the Lakota giving orders I placed.
I think the stress is compounded by my (near pathological) need to have everything tidied up and right and tight on my FIRST DAY back. That may be related to my need to depart on time when we travel, as well, which sets off no end of anxiety. I keep twisting myself up into knots trying to meet totally unreasonable standards. Huh. There’s a theme.
PiC and I are trying something new: not pushing ourselves to be all caught up on work in an unreasonable amount of time.
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I leaned into the inevitable inability to work after Smol’s nap, and took the kids out for a walk to the playground nearby. Sadly for every inch of my body, the nearest one was closed. I should have steered us home to the backyard but gave into the “try to be a better parent” impulse to give JB a proper play on a big play structure and urged Sera and Smol into this ill considered adventure. It was a huge pain getting Smol to cooperate and get there in the first place. I had regrets almost immediately. But after much coaxing and pushing and prodding, they conquered the promised playground. They also had fun playing in the dirt so I remind myself we didn’t have to go that far for entertainment.
Unfortunately, the wait list for private swim lessons at our local Y is closed. They don’t have enough instructors, and already have 120 families on their list. Sigh. I imagine that national staffing shortages will be a problem for a long time considering how many people have been ill with or died of COVID.
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PiC started the hunt for our family car again just to get a feel for the landscape. It’s bad. Waitlists are 12-18 months for new vehicles. Used cars are priced as high as new. Since when do we pay $55k before tax for a used vehicle?? We last paid an average of $10k for each car and we keep them for a decade or more.
Year 3, Day 130: Sadness. Our pediatrician is moving his practice out of town. We liked him a lot, he started his practice here when JB was born so he’s seen them, and now Smol Acrobat, since they were newborns. I hate changes like this.
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My maternal grandmother passed away. I had a lot of feelings. We haven’t spoken in years. Not even at my mom’s funeral since I didn’t even want that side of the family there after the week of shenanigans that my grandfather and aunts engaged in. They harassed me for a solid week and at the funeral itself.
On the one hand, I feel a familiar tug of “you SHOULD feel like you should go to the funeral.” But I don’t want to go. I don’t feel like I should go in spite of my feelings, either. What sense of duty I have doesn’t apply to them. I haven’t had a relationship with them for 20 years, what contact I DID have in those 20 years wasn’t good, and I don’t have respects to give, any desire to give the living any comfort over her passing, or desire to tolerate their inevitable sniping and gossip.
On the other hand, I’m still mad at them for being such selfish grasping people and I remember how much I wished they’d be family that I could be close to. I couldn’t, they’re just not capable of being considerate or kind. They’re mean and petty. I remember when I was 13, one aunt deliberately picked a fight with me when I put her shoes in our closet. On opening the door, I commented, man, our closet smells weird! She asked if I was saying her shoes smelled to which I replied, of course not! It’s our closet, I just noticed it smelled funny BEFORE I put your shoes in. It was like that before you got here. But she continued to pick pick pick trying to force me to admit I’d offended her somehow. It was so strange but very thematic.
It’s better to protect my time with the people who actually value us but I remember that when they first emigrated here, I had such high hopes of coming into more family to love. Alas.
Year 3, Day 131:
JB and I are having sobering conversations about unhoused people in the city and it’s hard to explain how much our government is failing its citizens. We shouldn’t have so many people in such terrible circumstances. We do the best we can to help but it’s hardly a drop in the bucket.
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We finally cleared out a space for Smol’s crib in the guest room. They would have been moved out ages ago but this is their main play room and I’ve lacked the motivation and energy to tackle that chore until now. I hope this is the thing that turns around their morning wakings.
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Parahawking looks so cool.
Parahawking is an interactive experience of gliding with birds of prey, combining paragliding with falconry
TIL I have to throw out the old or excess candy behind everyone’s backs, including PiC’s. He usually doesn’t even eat candy! Why was he standing there picking through the bucket as if he was going to save these old things from doom? I hate adding to landfill but don’t know what to do with unwanted candy we’re gifted for the kids.
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Smol Acrobat is BIG into sharing food now. They insist on feeding us almost as much as we feed them, they want to split breads that I give them in half to share.
They are now consistently identifying eyes on other people. By poking them with their finger while enunciating “eyeeeee”.
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I watched the Wakanda Forever trailer and was sad all over again that Chadwick Boseman is gone.
Grief was actively happening while we made this film. We pushed through and worked hard for Chad. We told stories and laughed at moments we remembered. It was hard. I honored him everyday, I wrote to him all over this movie, throughout the world we built. 1…a thread
ā The Dowager Chinchilla (@chinchilla1970) July 25, 2022
Year 3, Day 133: Moving Smol Acrobat out of our room made such a difference! They’re still waking early but so far, since they don’t see us, they’re settling back down for another round of R&R. Dragging my feet on something that takes a huge amount of energy (clearing space for their crib) was just feeding the cycle of exhaustion.
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So many chores today. I unpacked and organized a huge pile of hand me downs, incorporating it into the existing supply of next size up hand, sorted out smaller things and excess things for donation and moved Smol’s clothes to their closet. All bedrooms here are now occupied and that feels really weird! I had a dream last night about discovering a new empty bedroom (with the unfortunate addition of my leech brother), maybe it was inspired by this sense of being crowded.
My office is still 75% intolerable but I’ve been steadily moving paper and trash out to their respective bins, which makes it feel like progress is happening.
My head is chock full of sewing projects, and I’m not ready to figure out the logistics or commit to the prep work. I’ll let them simmer for a bit longer. Today, I tackled a simpler project: a small hand me down photo album. It’s the kind that holds 100 (ish) 4×6 photos stacked in a book.
The insides were pristine but the cover was this nasty tapestry fabric with leather that will flake and fall apart when it ages. So I pulled out my scissors, Kraft glue, and special Hello Kitty fabric I’d indulgently bought a while back and covered the entire cover with fabric. It’s nothing I’d give as a real gift but JB will get a kick out of it. Maybe they can use it to store pictures or stickers. Now that I’ve said that… I wasn’t going to cover the second one but feel almost obligated to since they have a LOT of stickers and probably would love to have a sticker book. We’ll see. I’ll let them have this first and go from there.
Year 3, Day 108: Alas. We had ONE good sleep night, Saturday, and it made Sunday feel 100x better than an average day. It was too much to hope for a second solid sleep like that but 5 wake-ups in the night is too much! Like a dang boomerang.
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Anyway, I didn’t want to jinx us by recording the immediate post-vax reaction but now that we’re 72 hours out, it seems reasonably safe to report the short term: Smol Acrobat seems to be taking Dose 1 very well. They hardly noticed the actual needle, which is unusual, and they didn’t seem to have any side effects. No fever, fatigue, aches. Side effects to Moderna are expected to last a couple days so I think we’re through the woods on that part.
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Gas is currently $6.06/gal. Just stating that for posterity’s sake.
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We’re not celebrating this national holiday. We’re very tired humans. And we’re humans who are very tired of this country being a place that is controlled by the Christian right and tells most of us we’re second class or lower, that we don’t deserve to live happy healthy lives unless it’s within specifically drawn out lines of “acceptability” and says that it’s ok that children are slaughtered in schools as long as they can have their guns. This is not and has never been a great place. It could be so much better. But will it?
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A little girl in my street has a very old pug with severe arthritis. Today I saw her gently strap him into a baby stroller & wait for the postie so they could chase after it, running & laughing as the pup barked like hell. You know, just in case you forgot what love means. š
ā Alison Nicolson-Rae (@Nicolsonraea) July 4, 2022
Year 3, Day 94: 12 am, 2 am, 430 am, 445 am 515 am wake ups. I’m at my wit’s end today. Yes, it was a terrible night of sleep (half was my body being what it is and half was Smol) but it’s now what, three months of trying to ride this out?
This weekend I couldn’t take it anymore and spent some time researching a dozen articles on how to deal with borked sleep and there are so many many reasons it could be and half of them contradict the other hald. Bedtime too early, bedtime too late, too much napping, too little napping, low sleep need, more sleep need.
Today specifically, I’m frazzled between needing to work and needing to fix Smol’s sleep schedule because we cannot keep going like this. Diagnosing what’s causing them their early waking has me pulling my hair out though. They might average 3-4 hours of naps at day and only sleep 10 hours at night. They’re consistently getting up way too early every morning, bright and early and happy about it, but clearly they are still tired to be napping as much as they do. My working theory is to push them to take shorter day naps and hope that means longer night sleep. We’re testing this theory today but that also means I have very very very limited time to work. At best, two hours of nap time to work.
Naturally that means my computer was a steaming pile of rotten turnips. After an hour of troubleshooting and restarting (SEVEN TIMES), the file explorer finally started working only for another thing to break. I was on the verge of screaming. Thankfully, I managed not to blow my top and moved on to other things for a short while.
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JB complained of a sore throat at 9 pm, and since I’ve had one myself for the past four days which I chalked up to CFS, we went and took a precautionary test. Negative, thankfully, so sent them to bed with a dose of ibuprofen for the pain.
Year 3, Day 95: 515 am. Experiment has not yet borne fruit. I know, it was unlikely to change overnight but I hoped. Silly, I know. If it seems like I snapped overnight, it feels like I did! It was over the weekend. Suddenly I just couldn’t take this seemingly endless early morning waking anymore. I had thought surely it’d go back to a more reasonable time by now! (more…)
Year 3, Day 80: 1045 pm, 330 am, 530 am wake ups. š On the one hand, toddler just wants hugs. On the other hand, why can’t those hugs wait until actual daytime?Especially since I’m solo all day with them. šµ I told PiC not to rush back since dun dun dunnnnn JB’s started summer camp today! (And he’s got to pick them up, it’s more on his way than not.)
He couldn’t be back in time to be help at the time I’d need a hand anyway, his meetings conflict. So it’s best for him to just do as much work as he can while he’s on site and he can run some errands on the way back. I did a VERY short Costco run with Smol the other day and was very uncomfortable with the number of unmasked people there. As a percentage, it was low, but the place was more crowded than I had hoped so we ran in and ran out with only exactly the things I remembered we needed.
So we vacuumed a lot, went for a walk (terrible walk, they wanted to be carried half the time and that’s not the point!), played in the garage a bit, played with a few toys, and had two snack times. They were terribly upset when I wouldn’t haul out the heaviest of the vacuum attachments. Life is full of disappointment, I know.
They are understanding a lot more words (today: ate more cheese when I told them to eat more cheese), but still aren’t speaking. They articulate lots of sounds and babble but no actual words. Our check up is this week so we can talk to the pediatrician about this. JB was slow to speak too, I’m really hoping Smol Acrobat won’t require speech therapy. It can be arranged but it’ll be so much harder with COVID.
It’s the US Memorial Day holiday so we all actually have the day off. We also have my most trusted relative in town and I cannot even begin to tell you what a relief it is to have a responsible trustworthy adult we get on well with here. Having an extra hand with the kids is breathtaking. Having someone that the kids RUN to, squealing, because they adore them? Absolutely priceless. Remember, Smol doesn’t take to just anyone at the best of times. Having someone they will equally go to for hugs and carrying, for playing or comfort, is such a huge help. I normally can’t nap during the day, I fight it because I don’t want to ruin my night sleep but also because my body doesn’t want to relax enough to fall asleep in the first place. After a long morning outside with the kids and doing some much needed yard maintenance, I passed out after lunch. It was WEIRD. But good. I needed that badly.
It also means that a flood of chores that we haven’t had the brainpower to nail down got done. Which also happens to mean more spending. š¬
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Smol took 2 naps totaling five hours today, are we doomed for night sleep?
Year 3, Day 74: 515 am. I suppose we ought to be grateful that wasn’t 415 am given yesterday’s naps!
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With JB spending the morning with their auntie, and Smol conked out hard, I was able to catch up on everything that had piled up from Friday. There was also a moment of relief in there that if I can work when I’m working and parent when I’m parenting, instead of both hats constantly at the same time, I can actually be a human instead of a simmering pot of volcanic frustration. (more…)
Year 3, Day 52: Smol’s waking up at 445 am was painful but I now have a theory that they’re waking up cold. I noticed their hands and feet were colder than usual and wrapping them up like a burrito and rocking them until they warmed up a little before putting them back to bed seemed to help. It took two tries but it bought us another hour of sleep to the much desired 630 point. Precious hour. PiC took over then and I got to rest just a little longer.
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All I wanted to do today was work on my little sewing project. Not work. Booo work. Alas. ’twas not my fate.
Smol granted me two hours of work time which I begrudgingly used wisely and then we were off to the toddler races. They searched the house for anyone else. No dice. Just you, me, and Sera makes three!
They snacked, which was really lunch, hoovering up all the leftovers I had intended to eat. By the time I was done pitching food into their voracious yet picky little maw, I was too tired to find food for myself. After cleanup, they made a strong bid for vacuuming time. They like to vacuum everyday. Or at least they like the sound of it. They went knocking books off shelves like a cat, and then we sat on the ground so they could practice buckling buckles, removing everything from my bag, emptying my travel pouches, and throwing everything out of my wallet. I put it all back in and they’d do it all over again. It gave me a couple ideas for creating more “discovery pouches” for their entertainment.
We picked up JB from school together and they seemed ready for a nap after but the joke was on us. They spent their entire nap period playing.
I crammed in another hour or two of work while they didn’t nap and then abandoned shop entirely for the chance to try and find them some warm pajamas at the local shops. No dice there either, unfortunately.
Thank goodness for crockpot leftovers from the weekend. The four of us dragged back in, exhausted and hungry, from our fruitless little venture and demolished huge servings of Kahlua pork and cabbage on rice. Two thumbs up. Even Smol ate with gusto. A rare treat, that. (more…)
Year 3 of COVID in the Bay Area.