Year 4, Day 328: This day’s theme: It’s all a LOT.
Reading up on what Sera might have (probably has) and getting to this part has me wanting to yell cusses: “This is a life-threatening cascade of events and, in fact, a 20-80% mortality rate (depending on the study) has been reported with this disease.” I can’t. She’s sleeping right over there and yelling or cussing would wake her. But I want to.
That’s a huge range but more literature points to a worse prognosis generally than a good one. We have to increase her steroids again and add a second medication to try and stabilize her, and that’s terribly depressing.
My therapist asked if I’m feeling supported by PiC and friends through this and I didn’t understand the words. Support for what? I’m not the one who’s sick. (Well, I am but I have a cough, not something hemolysing my RBC.) All I could do for the past month was take care of her and hope like hell that she’s going to respond to the treatment. I’ve been holding my breath this whole time and probably repressing my feelings with caretaking. Because after that first cry when we discussed all the possible options for why she was jaundiced and anemic, all bad options, I felt the loss of Seamus crashing down on me again. I can’t DO that again. Not so soon.
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We have a nine year old! š JB got a small party this year.
We booked part of a pizza parlor early in the day so we were the only ones there. 9 kids (5 families) showed up of the 16 kids/8 families we invited. I was very worried about how much energy it’d take and how it’d go, especially because we were just coming off a rough week of illness, but it worked out really well in the end. It was small enough to be just manageable, with one family helping us with Smol Acrobat, and the other families occasionally assisting with stages of cleanup and kid management.
We splurged on the activity and the food, we saved on the cake (Costco: $25, first time we’ve ever had one of their famed sheet cakes) and the decor (Party City: $20). The place provided almost none of the assistance they had promised so I was orchestrating so most of the event unexpectedly. That kept me too busy to socialize but we did each catch up a little with each set of parents. JB was thrilled to see their friends and ran an illicit (temporary) tattoo parlor out of the bathroom for them. Of course they did. Smol Acrobat was briefly put out that they didn’t get one too, but they weren’t willing to wait with the older kid crowd and moved on quickly.
Year 4, Day 314: I’ll do a full write-up later. Our power is still out today, internet is still down, my phone’s data connectivity is next to nothing. The kids are sick, I have a sore throat and a huge workload, and we spent too much of the day navigating choked roads to get to a safe place where we could connect to the internet and charge the devices enough to get us through the day and night.
The county libraries were all open to the public for water, snacks, and charging.
I’ll tell you what, functioning by lamplight, with only power for the fridge and no other appliances, really narrows your focus on what you can do. No dishwasher, no vacuuming the mess tracked in from the storm, no toaster oven, no microwave, no hair dryers, no space heaters, no heating pad.
We still have running water and plumbing, and gas to heat food and the water for bathing, and I cannot tell you how thankful I was for that much. We are so not equipped for the loss of power, internet, gas AND running water.
Year 4, Day 315: POWER IS BACK. It’s weird to see the utterly still blue sky, with one enormous grey cloud hovering as if copy-pasted in place, after the stormy weekend with all the challenges and consequences. We get a one day reprieve, then it rains again tomorrow. I think that may be the end of the wet for a handful of days.
I may have overdone it trying to right the ship doing all the things this morning: 3 loads of laundry, ran the vacuum twice, ran the dishwasher, while trying to catch up on a couple hundred emails and projects.
With JB home sick another day, and trying to heft an unbelievable amount of work, I’ve been on edge and snappish. I decided JB won’t be going to their class this afternoon. They probably have the energy to and would be fine (masked as always) but I needed to take any one damn thing off my plate and that was my pick. It was a good call.
Smol Acrobat came home meowing sadly. They’re running a slight fever, appear flushed, and tell us “I’m not feew-wing well.” Their throat hurts and they’ve got that weird dry congestion that doesn’t result in a drippy nose, just leaves you feeling stuffed up with no relief. I had to spoonfeed them their dinner. I pulled out the remaining frozen half of the Japanese curry I cooked a while back for dinner. Thanks two weeks ago me!
We’re in for a rough night. Well, PiC is. He’s been fielding all the nights for a while. Even if he hadn’t, Smol Acrobat switched from wanting Mom cuddles and feeding at dinner to the quavery: “Daddy, can you take care of me?” and only wanting Daddy to give them their medicine and prepare them for bed.
Year 4, Day 316: JB hacking coughed their way through the night, Smol Acrobat sobbed and fussed through the night. I offered to take over at 2 am but PiC waved me off. In the end that was for the best, I needed that sleep pretty badly and Smol Acrobat had to stay home with us today with that fever. We traded off work time slots throughout the day.
They were surprisingly chipper, despite their very rough night, and managed a halfway decent nap midday. I was so tempted to lay down with them but I’d just get mad having to get back up again even if I napped. As a night ogre, the waking up transition at any time is unpleasant.
JB and I also had an appt at the orthodontist after school. They’re headed for braces in a few months. Sigh.
Texting with an old high school classmate who’s visiting our old teachers brought on the sads of a blobby amorphous feeling that I don’t belong anywhere in meatspace. I think this is about feeling very disconnected from the friend groups online and off. One of my closest daily friends has dropped out of contact for almost two years now, and I miss them deeply. I know it was for their own reasons, I respect that, I just miss them. (Separately, it makes me wonder if I’m just a bad friend because I’m the only one who was dropped. Maybe I’m just too much of whatever I am.) It’s gotten worse since Twitter went to pieces and my social web was destroyed. I have this space, some folks in the Discord and a bit of Bluesky, I peek into Instagram because I was forced to create one for the business. It feels scattered. That sense of wide connectedness is gone. Even though I still text with a handful of friends from the ‘nets, I feel out of sync with myself and with the world, emotionally.
I had to do a Murderbot and face the wall this evening for a minute when the feelings were too much. I’m in the middle of Network Effect right now and very much empathize with Murderbot. I hate feelings. š
Year 4, Day 317: Frost everywhere this morning! Aftermath cleanup continues. I’ve finished recharging all the lanterns and the Yeti. That just leaves the crank radio to charge. It can be charged by cranking of course, that’s the point of it, but why not save our arms if we can charge it ahead of time. So I finally get JB to school, load Smol Acrobat up for their ride with PiC, clean up a bit around the house and reheat my breakfast eggs. Sit down and really start to dig into emails and urgent morning work stuff. Take a bite of egg. Miss a text. See a call come in from PiC: they got a flat tire 3 miles away from daycare. ARGH. The full round trip rescue ate my morning. Who put this curse on us? It’s one thing after another this week. Relentless.
We had to skip JB’s afterschool class again because I could not handle losing another 2 hour chunk of my time today. It’s all management work today and I don’t fancy working until 11 pm again. (That was last night.) It wasn’t until dinnertime that I remembered my whole breakfast, lunch, and snack was a plate of scrambled eggs and half a box of Wheat Thins. Not ideal.
There were “this is where rain may fall again Thursday!” headlines that I waved off and YEP! IT WAS US. PiC and Smol Acrobat got caught out biking home. They were drenched.
Year 4, Day 318: Work work everywhere, as far as the eye can see. This was my first mostly uninterrupted workday all week. I was desperate for one but didn’t dare say it out loud for fear of triggering another spontaneous combustion of my day. I’m not at all recovered from the week but having gotten through the worst of the workload, I can finally say TGIF.
Also not great: PiC’s company is a multinational one so from their POV this isn’t (maybe) that big a deal but from ours it is: They just laid off a couple hundred people. Still no idea on how much of this will roll over to his department, and we wouldn’t know until it hit. He’s not high enough up to be privy to those conversations.
1. JB took a very proactive lead in helping keep Smol Acrobat entertained when I was working on paperwork this weekend and then played with them the whole time at the playground when we walked to the park. They aren’t usually that focused and these outings are more often like handling two only children wanting things they want when they want it.
Year 4, Day 300: A thunderstorm roared through last night. We would have slept right through it like cozy babies but Sera needed a quick outing at midnight to make sure her bladder wouldn’t be too stressed this morning (because of her steroids). You should have seen the look she gave me. You want ME to go out in THAT??
Anyway, that was a necessary soaking because at 7 am sharp she was click-clacking to the front door because she needed to go out again. It would have been much worse, and earlier, if we hadn’t gone out at midnight. As tired as I was, it meant that everyone got up and out on time for the first time in weeks.
The kids have been generally cooperative for the past couple weeks. It’s weird. There are the usual hiccups and temper tantrums and all that but it’s on the very mild end of the range. I have to hold on to the memory of this when we move into the next phase of very uncooperative.
A loved one is going through a medical thing right now. Not quite a crisis but it could be one if their body doesn’t respond to the medications. Something like Sera, I suppose, except their medical issue currently has a more clearcut set of pretty dire consequences if they don’t respond to the medication route. I’m checking on them daily and worrying in the back of my mind.
Year 4, Day 258: My three sweet potato sprouts are dead. Unexpected cold got them, maybe. More slips are growing in the garage, we’ll try again after January. My onions are still going strong, though, the green tops show no sign of going yellow and flopping over. Here’s hoping they continue to grow another month so we don’t have to worry about them right in the middle of holiday stuff.
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JB lost a specific set of screentime privileges and has to earn it back by setting the table ten times in a row without being told. They have failed to do this 9 times out of ten so far, and that tenth time they only managed it because I wasn’t home to tell them. Every night, I have to tell them to do it which means they don’t get to check the box that says “I set the table X times without being told.” The whole point of this exercise is to train them to remember we eat dinner every single night and to set the table without my having to tell them what to do and clearly I have failed to set them up for success. Open to suggestions.
Year 4, Day 259: This may have been brought on by being mostly awake since 3 am but I’m having an existential … not-crisis … hiccup? I feel like I’m in a bubble of not-being. Or rather a bubble separated from who I am. In the big picture, this hiccup doesn’t matter because I have a dog to walk, the recycling to take out, paperwork to process, kids to pick up and feed. These things are going to happen whether or not I feel wholly at home in my skin or part of my/any community.
I also feel disconnected from so many people right now even as the holiday cards roll in. Maybe they’re a reminder that I’ve felt so isolated all this year and there’s some guilt over that as well as frustration about having wasted an entire year battling a nonstop circus of viruses. It sucked feeling sick all the time for a whole year. I got nothing done. What a waste.
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There is something really grounding about running into a neighbor with their puppy that likes Sera, though! They “played” which was the puppy trying to roll under Sera while she grumpily snarled at them to submit and then getting mad when the puppy kicked her. I gave them both treats and they settled right down.
*****
Had to grab impromptu takeout for dinner because the chicken wasn’t defrosted in time for me to cook it. We used to limit our eating out to twice a week and it was usually $27 after tax and tip. These days it’s more like $55-65 after tax and tip to feed four, usually with some leftovers.
*****
I’ve had to shop Amazon this fall for a number of items we can’t get elsewhere. Just heard that if you tell your Echo device or Alexa app “Thank my driver” they’ll give your driver a $5 bonus. Echo and Alexa are not allowed in my house but if you search “Thank Driver” in the app, you can do it that way too. This little message appears at the top of my app screen:
Amazon should just pay generous cash bonuses and cover the taxes, along with real living wages, but since I can’t make that happen, I’ll do this as long as they have it.
Of course I’m a little suspicious why they have it going, because they’re not to be trusted generally but unfortunately they’re the only source for a number of things we need to buy right now.
Year 4, Day 260: Do you consider your statements to be commitments? Suppose you say “I’ll pick up the potatoes today after work.” Would that be a solid commitment in your mind, or do you assume that it’s automatically hedged with “if I can”?
We have a difference of opinions here. I think if you make a declarative “I will” statement then you’re committing to the thing so either be upfront with your known limitations/conditions (if I have time, if that meeting doesn’t run long, etc) or say you’ll try and leave it at that. PiC thinks treating a statement as a promise is too . I say his way leads to chaos. Disclaimer, this isn’t a huge problem for us. It’s just one of those things we disagree on the basic premise for and I’m curious if it’s just us or if other people see it differently as well.
I see this playing out with JB now. He’ll say “we’ll take a ride on Xday”, so they expect a ride to happen come hell or high water on Xday. And then if something comes up, they’re not just disappointed, they’re also confused about how the statement of fact became false: we were going to ride but we didn’t.
I explained that extenuating circumstances happen and they happened in this case. But as kids will do, they fixated on when when when will we take that promised ride?
How do you receive these statements?
Year 4, Day 261: Now that TV ads are a thing on our streaming services again, I’m seeing those holiday car commercials “Lease a BMW for $699 a month!”. It got me thinking I can’t imagine having a giant monthly payment ever seeming like a good thing to take on again. But on the other side of it, the idea of saving that same amount each month in preparation for buying something large seems totally reasonable. Both are taking money out of the paycheck, but the perspectives feel completely different.
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This is my fourth day trying out Dear Klairs Midnight Blue Calming Cream in what feels like a probably fruitless attempt to calm down my rosacea redness. The redness annoys me and this is the first time I’m trying a product to combat it. Maybe it takes a week or two for this sort of thing to work if it’s going to help? Maybe it can only help reduce redness temporarily, it’s not like it’s curing anything.
*****
Out of four pairs of Old Navy jeans, boot cut and straight cut, in dark wash and black, only the black pairs fit and the straight cut fits best. Drat. I don’t love boot cut like I used to. They’re all the same size but the dark wash was a struggle to pull on. The working theory is the dark wash jeans were made at a different factory. The takeaway: buy two of each of everything when trying to figure out what size you are to have a chance at having two pairs of something fit well.
Year 4, Day 262: A friend insisted on giving me a Christmas gift, despite my protests she’s already been so generous to us, so I caved and admitted I would love an ebook from any of my comfort reading series that I’ve only given the library money for (Murderbot, Toby Daye, Kate Daniels). I’ll pick up the others myself, probably slowly, but she can start me off with the first one. I have some of the Innkeeper books and some of the Incryptid series already, when I found sales a few years back.
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I planted two sets of onions from sprouts. The six sprouts from the first set are still going strong. One of the three from the second set turned yellow and flopped over which is how you know they’re ready to harvest, except that it was just dead. Eight possible onions left! š¤
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Friday food! This was very much a make-do week. Monday we had the fundraiser burgers. Tuesday we grabbed Chinese on the way home from activities because the chicken was still frozen. Wednesday must have been leftovers, and I also threw together a diced chicken and Chinese broccoli slivers stir fry with a packet of leftover bulgogi sauce. Thursday, PiC and Smol got home first so they started prepping breakfast for dinner. Friday I tried to place an order to the taqueria for pickup four times online before I finally gave up and sent PiC in my place. I’ve taken to adding a pozole to my order so we’d have a warm delicious soup for dinner or for leftovers.
The three remaining packets of chicken thighs were still kind of frozen so they had to wait for weekend cooking.
Our long term goal is to replace our day job income with passive income before my health prevents me from working. I know from my Mom’s experience that qualifying for or relying on disability is incredibly tough or near impossible here in CA. Aside from that, I aim to do my best to make the most of what we can do while we can.
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Dividend income. We received $983.94 in dividends from the stocks portfolio.
Year 4 of COVID in the Bay Area.
