About sixteen years ago, I met him for the first time. My trainwreck sibling brought home this adorable puppy he had no business adopting because he had not one thing in his life that wasn’t a mess. I was furious at my sibling – he didn’t even take care of himself, how could he drag
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April 15, 2015
A. I don’t like giving feedback, it feels confrontational.
B. I shouldn’t have to give you feedback or tell you what I’m thinking. You’re my right hand, you should already know.
C. Why are you doing [what you thought was your job], you’re not responsible for that! You need to be doing [some other thing you were never informed of]!
These are just a few of the gems delivered by Past Terrible Managers in my Past Work Life.
Bad managers drive me more than a little bit ’round the bend. Not all managers became managers because they were actually good at managing people, they were usually promoted for doing their own job well. When that happens, either they learn how to do it well, or you get a dingleberry of a supervisor and that’s just bad times.
As a manager, past and present, giving feedback to staff, or really anybody, without either feeling or being confrontational is such a necessary skill. If you need someone to change, they need to KNOW that you need them to change! Relying on strategy C above is such nonsense.
I understand that delivering criticism feels fraught, it’s not always comfortable, and empathetic people who have had bad experiences on the receiving end of feedback don’t want to perpetuate that cycle. That does not relieve you of a key aspect of your duty as a manager.
When a manager tells me they just don’t want to give feedback, I often ask if they enjoy being irritated, resented and subpar. Because that’s the situation they’re setting up: their employee will continue to do things wrong, this will reflect badly on the employee and reflect badly on you. Also, it’s likely that the tolerance of poor performance by that employee will have a sinking effect on morale for the rest of the team.
And conversely, what would it be like to be the hapless employee who doesn’t know they’re doing things wrong or inefficiently, and catching flak for something they don’t even realize is a problem? Don’t be that jerk boss who sows confusion, induces anxiety, and breeds resentment!
As I said, this is a learned skill. I didn’t come by it naturally, especially since I’m both introverted and at least a little anti-social.
So, how do I give constructive feedback?
1. I treat feedback sessions as conversations.
This isn’t intended as a confrontation but girding yourself for a battle almost certainly turns it into one. Be prepared, just don’t assume it has to be that difficult.
First time offenses? I ask them to explain to me how and why they’re doing X so that I understand where they’re coming from. It’s possible that they’ll identify a weakness in the existing protocol, or the training documentation. In other words, this could be a learning opportunity for me too.
After I solicit some perspective from them, if it doesn’t change my mind, then I explain what we need them to do and why.
Repeat offenses, if the thing is non-negotiable? I remind them of previous conversations, and ask what, if anything, is preventing them from performing their duties as asked. This is not permission to stand their ground, this is checking whether I need to be doing another aspect of my job: removing barriers to their performance. Reiterate that I need them to do it this way, and follow up as needed.
2. Understand that your goal is improvement, not chastisement.
Even if they’re on a PIP, the end goal is improvement of the work situation, whether that’s ultimately a firing or a mediocre employee understanding what’s really needed from them and turning a corner.
When frustrated by an undesirable outcome, I’ve seen managers rage and rant at their staff. What’s the point? That intimidates some, irritates others, but rarely ever produces results. Besides, it’s rude and disrespectful. Respect goes both ways and is more easily lost than earned.
3. Take the emotion out of it.
This is about the job, remain professional. It’s not your feelings or their feelings or likes or dislikes or any of that other stuff. It’s not personal. That doesn’t mean be a robot! It just means don’t derail the conversation. Focus on the thing you want improved and find a way to fix it. If someone is causing a problem, then figure out a way to fix that but don’t make it personal.
No one benefits from going several rounds in the blame game.
There’s no magic bullet, and I’m not the perfect manager, but I try to address my weaknesses. The least we can do is help people do the same. After all, it’s your job.
:: What ridiculous things have you heard from management?
:: What did you love in a good manager?
April 13, 2015
Is it ironic to anyone else that one of the first things you have to look for when you’re expecting, assuming you haven’t decided that one of you will stay home with the kid(s), is childcare? I mean, you’re going through all that trouble to bake and birth the child and then we have to farm out their care to some degree.
I say this with absolutely no judgment at all, I have never wanted to give up my professional career to stay at home with the kids a day in my life so I know it’s part of the cost of my choice but it sure does feel counterintuitive. I enthusiastically support the idea of Doting Dad PiC staying home if we could swing it but since we’re not quite there yet, sitters and daycare are part of our reality.
Sidebar: I have had friends who chose to stay home after looking over the finances, not because they wanted to do that more, and also SAHP friends who did want to. We have all sorts in our cohort and I respect all those choices equally. /sidebar
The minimum for your bog standard daycare here is a shade under $2000/month for full time, five days a week, maybe including a snack but usually not. They don’t come standard with: diapers and wipes, hot or full meals or snacks, or video monitoring.
You might think I’m nuts expecting that last but it is becoming more common in the LA area and that’s one thing they may be doing right. For my money and sanity, I’m not leaving my kid with strangers without some kind of oversight – I’ve read too many (horror) news stories about abuse. Just the other day there was a 2 month old killed by her sitter’s 11 year old kid. ELEVEN. I nearly threw up reading that and don’t tell me that hormones have anything to do with that reaction other than the hormone of their world will BURN if someone tries to abuse my Little Bean.
Right. Back to the point.
In the Bay Area, full time daycare is bogglingly expensive.
Our mornings are hard enough that I hate the idea and the logistics of dropping LB off at some location with strangers and no video surveillance for the day. This is further reinforced by an unexpectedly strong sense of not wanting to let hir out of my sight. We need other options at least for the first few months that I’m back to work.
We do have some flexibility here in that I can work remotely for a period of time. I initially wanted to hire a couple mother’s helpers but they’re charging nearly or just as much as experienced nannies in this area for very little experience. I’m talking about $18-25/hour for 0-2 years of experience, and $20-45/hour for 10-30 years of experience.
Indeed.com shows that full time nannies in the SF area are typically charging 35% more than the rest of the country’s average and run about $30-40K per year. Obviously, we do not have that kind of Silicon Valley/SF dot com money.
We had a frustrating trial with a mother’s helper who came highly recommended. She’s great with toddlers but had to be told four times in the same day to check LB’s diaper when ze cries on waking from a nap – my patience doesn’t extend to repeating basic instructions several times a day. In the end, we decided that it’d be worth it to try and find someone with more extensive experience. We scoured care.com, urbansitter.com, and sittercity.com for both, and they were all three kind of a crapshoot.
After we interviewed a handful of providers it appears that the people posting profiles use the listed rate ranges like a weird kind of target practice.
You’d see:
* Will take up to 3 kids
* Comfortable with pets/dogs
* Will take care of sick children
* XX years of experience
* Will drive kids to and from school and activities
* Will cook and clean, do laundry
* $15-20/hour
I’d expect that $20/hr would be for more than one kid, with lots of other work thrown in, and $15/hr would be for much less work, which is what we’re looking for. 1 kid, very minimal clean-up, feeding, diapering, and putting down to sleep.
Instead, all were charging $20/hr minimum, with paid sick leave, holidays and 2 weeks of vacation, and are horrified by Seamus. Oh and are utter Awkward Aardvarks with the baby.
If you’ve never seen someone hold a floppy necked infant for the first or second time, it goes something like this:
Here’s the baby!
*ginger or wary acceptance* They sort of stick the baby into one side with one arm, bracing as if for impact, while most of the baby remains free. Baby wiggles. Switch to the other side. Then back again. They grimace and adjust their hold. Baby, slipping, flails an arm or a leg. They adjust again. Baby squeaks and writhes indignantly. They start. Baby looks up at them, and their head suddenly flops forward. *thunk* Eyes wide, they return the baby.
It wasn’t quite that bad with the people we met but it was close.
The one touting 30+ years of experience with newborns kept asking us to show her how we hold the baby, adjusting her from one floppy position to another, insisting that my (already incredibly opportunistic) child was unhappy because ze “wants to be held the way hir parents hold hir.” The picture of grace, I managed not to laugh in her face. Yes, of course, ze knows how hir parents hold hir. That’s why ze just rejected me in favor of Grammy who cuddled, rocked AND cooed at hir for a weekend. Don’t tell me what my baby prefers. Ze’ll take the best offer going. And the best offer was NOT that nanny.
One didn’t come near the baby and told me that vitamins are a lie that doctors tell us to make them hyper. The origins or the why of this theory, we’ll never know.
I was starting to think we’d never find anyone but we took a shot with someone who looked less qualified on paper and it was well worth it. She actually holds the baby like she’s met one before and had that parentese down pat. LB was cooing at her in 90 seconds or less. It remains to be seen how well it works out on an ongoing basis but we’re doing a trial with her.
At full time employment, this carer’s rate will run just a touch below our previously very-(un)precisely budgeted allocation for childcare.
April 10, 2015
Every single year, no matter how organized I think I was the previous year, I wasn’t. Then I’m having to dig for hours to find and sort all the necessary documentation for my tax filing. This year’s even more complicated than last because we have rental property in the mix, so I was determined not to repeat a decade of errors.
This year, finally, FINALLY, it seems like I might have developed a good system.
Throughout the year:
I keep a running spreadsheet of rental property income and expenses which will be matched against the property management company’s 1099.
I keep another running spreadsheet of all deductible expenses as they’re incurred: mileage, non-reimbursed business expenses, donations.
At tax time:
I save all files with category information. For example, a 1099 from Ally Bank would be named: Income 1099-M Ally Bank.pdf. A donation receipt is saved as: Deduction Donation Goodwill 01-09-15.pdf.
Sorted by name, all my income and deduction forms will naturally group together, and I can easily combine them into a single PDF if necessary.
One spreadsheet to organize them all!
I match all the forms and receipts against my running spreadsheet and then pull that information into a Summary Spreadsheet for the tax year. I also compare this to the previous year’s Summary to confirm everything’s there, or if I forgot to download Bank of HadAGoodBonus’s 1099-INT form. Our banking changes year to year but not a ton so this is a good way to double check.
Any relevant notes about life changes and people-related information are included in that spreadsheet: names of people filing and our dependents, any changes from the previous year, etc.
Since I recently started using an accountant for all the legwork, my concession to the value of my time, it’s been even more imperative to make sure all the information is there and easy to understand. I generally catch a minor mistake or two when I review any prepared taxes, mine or otherwise, so my very detail-obsessed brain knows that I shouldn’t be handing over a virtual shoebox of receipts if I don’t want a horked up return filed.
Alas, it’s to be another extension for us this year, but I have hopes that next year we’ll be filing by Jan 30th, just like the good old days!
:: Do you have an amazing organizing system? Tell me all about it!
April 8, 2015
Sleep: the old saw “sleep when the baby sleeps” rarely applies here. Either I couldn’t fall asleep or the sleep cycles were so short I only had time to drop into sleep before being shaken awake by the need to change a diaper or feed hir. Naps felt amazing though, and for a few weeks, every 30 mins of sleep felt like half a night’s rest. After that, it just felt like punishment.
There are moments when ze has been nursing for more than an hour and I haven’t slept in weeks, and my body is beyond the point of crying out in fatigue because it’s too tired to do that even. I look down at hir and ze is just … cute. This is what keeps infants alive, I’m convinced of it.
Babywearing is great. Not for my back but definitely for morale when a distraught LB just needs to be held and my arms simply cannot anymore or I desperately need arms free to do things. It’s strangely comforting and I like being the Kanga to my now detachable Roo. Name change? LB–> Roo?
My first moments of despair thanks to pain and fatigue preventing me from picking up Little Bean struck in week 3, but the second month is when it really came home. I dodged the expected baby blues, but fear of a crippled future just around the corner instead of on the horizon was cause for some serious introspection and a few frustrated tears. PiC and I stayed up a few late nights talking through my worries and his reassurances meant the world to me. It also made me wish even harder that I’d figured out a way we could afford for him to stay home with us on just my earnings because he’s an amazing hands-on dad and genuinely enjoys taking care of LB morning, noon and night.
Ze started smiling at us this month. Ze wasn’t interested in making eye contact with anyone except PiC before. Now, ze will look around, see me, and grin. It’s awesome. Also ze smirks in hir sleep and I love it. It’s like there are good dreams going on in that bitty human brain. Sometimes it’s just because ze just had a great poo though.
Also awesome: baby babble. Ze isn’t forming sounds that are remotely like words but ze is making sounds on purpose and the range has increased to include a variety of tones, volume and interest. We started doing call and response. I leave hir laying on a playmat and holler random noises as I dash around the house trying to wash a bottle or get the laundry going or grab some food. The ones that please hir best get a delighted squeal, the OK sounds get a chirp. After a week of this, ze moved on to just babbling away on hir own at the ceiling, the window or the TV. We do lots of wide range vocabulary talking to hir regularly but when ze is participating, ze is most responsive to fun combinations of sounds so we go with it. Plenty of time to learn words and languages and all that.
April 6, 2015
Once again, while I’d rather have the money in my pocket, the ability to be completely hands-off with some of the day to day, other than answering emails, has been exactly what we needed.
My hands have been rather full so I’ve only answered emails, or redirected phone calls, but not long after LB’s arrival, the property manager dealt with:
1. the expiration of our old tenant’s lease,
2. checking the property to ensure that clean-up was complete,
3. collecting final rent,
4. getting the previous renters to pay up the utilities they claimed were paid (but weren’t),
5. returning the remaining security deposit once all the outstanding payments were deducted,
6. scheduling all the inspections and servicing of repairs,
7. marketing and showing the place,
8. reviewing applications and running background checks,
9. getting the final lease signed with my approval.
Bonus: we both make a little bit more now that the rent has changed to be more in line with the market rate for equivalent rentals. Not showing a profit yet, of course, but it gets us closer.
Not having to deal with that stuff and a screaming newborn? That’s absolutely worth the percentage off the top. Much like renting is not a waste of money because you’re getting a place to live without financial risk, hiring a property manager was the right choice for us. PiC has zero interest in this whole venture, beyond an academic one, so it’s entirely on me. Having someone deal with the hands-on work of owning a rental has made it possible.
Extra bonus: they organized all the income and expenses that they handled in a statement for me, reducing the amount of time and work I had to put into organizing our tax documents. Whew!
April 1, 2015
Change from January: 3.3% increase
On Money
I’m working away at Swagbucks to earn Amazon money for household, Little Bean, and dog things we need. Feel free to join using my referral link if you like!
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Seamus racked up another $450 550 in vet bills.
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I’m only getting half my normal income in maternity leave benefits and surprisingly this hasn’t wrecked our cash flow. I’m not saving anything, and neither am I setting aside the previously budgeted Little Bean money for the moment but we’re doing OK.
***
Little Bean money: PiC is still contributing to hir fund and ze has received generous Happy Being Born gifts (called lucky money in our cultures). Kid’s making a killing off being born!
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March 30, 2015
Life with DOG!
Seamus has adapted to his life with his (ridiculous, loud, demanding) sibling without batting an eye. He shares his space without comment, lays around quietly just being with us as we tend to hir and focus on surviving. He leans on my leg or sniffs my head to wake me for attention every so often and plays with his toys alone when we’re busy.
He is hir protector, but he’s a little less concerned now. It’s like he’s realized ze’ll quite likely survive our shenanigans even when he’s disapproving of them. He has a particular distaste for when PiC swings hir either in his arms or in hir chair – I can feel his big brother eyes boring into the back of my head, questioning our fitness as parents.
He’s taken to walking with the stroller just fine as well. I worried about how that would work, but as usual, I shouldn’t have. He keeps pace with it, and works around it as appropriate so that I can manage the two of them alone quite handily. Even after romping off leash he’ll voluntarily come back to me and hir stroller, escorting us home.
As near to perfect a dog as you could ask for, under the circumstances.
Medical woes
Poor guy had a terrible infection that just looked like a nick on his paws at first. He let me clean and wrap them every morning with Neosporin, stumping around with club looking bandaged paws good naturedly, but then the swelling started so I knew it wasn’t working.
It’s taken a vet visit, a culture to confirm the staph infection, and three refills of antibiotics to get him on the right path.
We found out he’d gained 13 lbs in the last few months at this visit as well. I noticed he was getting heavier but at some point he cracked 100 lbs and we didn’t notice. Sympathy baby weight? I’m just surprised the vet was relatively unconcerned.
A Dog and Our Money
I’ve been using the saved proceeds from this blog, a mere trickle over the years, to pay his vet bills. Call it his allowance. We’re still doing ok but it’ll need some income soon to make up for the recent inroads!
He’s slowly getting more expensive to maintain between his supplements, chronic medications for his skin, and all that food he’s eating.
